I have a mix of stress in my life, but in general I tend and prefer to try and avoid thinking about it and acting on it. But when ever I have an appointment with my T, I always seem to start thinking afterward that I need to lose weight. I'll think that I have two weeks (until the next appointment) to lose. Sometimes I might eat less and try a little more than other times. This time after my appointment I've been thinking even more and harder about doing it. Some things went on at work today so with the appointment yesterday and stuff from today, by tonight I was more than ready to do whatever it would take to lose weight, ready to challenge myself to see how much can I lose and how fast--like how much could I lose over this weekend. I've done a little bit that would make me lose mostly water weight, and a little mild exercise, but I haven't really felt effects of anything yet much. I'm sure I will later and will be glad for when things are over with. It scares me what if anything could happen. What if someone found out? Lately--especially the past day or two--I just feel like I want to be the thinnest because the thinnest is the best. I read a women's magazine yesterday and there was an article in it about women in their 30's who have eating disorders. It was kind of interesting, but I wonder if it "glamourized" it more for me by getting me thinking of it more. There were pictures, too. We had downtime at work so some of the others started exercising as a group. I doubt that helped either. I think they plan to continue this as long as there is downtime. I don't know whether to join in or not. I'm a little embarrassed to. I don't know what to do about everything with this. I'm torn between health fears, a conscience, and the "bad" thoughts that tell me to do diet things and lose weight. I can't tell anyone--it wouldn't be safe. My T works tomorrow, but I can't tell him. I feel like I can only tell all of you. It's at least somewhat safe here. I haven't mentioned this website to my T, so he can't come here to check up on me. I love being able to come here to "talk" to someone without having to worry much about someone like my T knowing everything. Yet still, I kind of wish he knew some of this. I have such a hard time either remembering things to tell him (even if I write them down) or I might be afraid to tell him things. It's all so hard.