I am wide awake after 12:30 a.m. Not happy about that because the morning will be a wreck. However, the reason I am awake is that my thoughts are racing about pills, place and time and tons of other things. I don't want to die, but it sure seems like my mind wants to.

Dijmart, I think you are right, and roadrunner I think you touched on this as well, that the thoughts have to be coming from somewhere. I don't know how to dig deep about it, but I can tell youthere is plenty of self hate. I remember as a young child, even first grade, hating myself. I had a few good years through high school and the first two years of college where I was very confident and accepting of who I was.

A life change that I might be holding back from? I think I know what it is, but it isn't practical and would probably hurt people as much as killing myself. I am so very unhappy with my life and my marriage. I think I would be mentally better on my own with my kids, but it doesn't make sense because I don't have enough money coming in, because I am on disability. And what if I have an episode, what do I do then, and would it cause a custody battle from both ex's? Also one son is from my first marriage and if he were able to live with me, I would have to deal with visitation from both ex's. It would just be a big pain in the you know what and it would break up the family. Maybe worse than being dead. We have been in counseling for 3 years and I just don't know if it is helping. In the few years that I have been dealing with bipolar, he hasn't educated himself, hasn't sought support for himself, he just panicks when there is a crisis. That's why I don't want to tell him what is going on.

I was upstairs in bed and I was thinking that I am trying to convince myself to do something. Not a total death, but maybe just a few pills? I shouldn't have read Trippin's post. I think it triggered me. I read it and thought to myself, Oh yeah, I could do that.

These are definitely not healthy thoughts. Thank goodness this forum is anonymous. Of course someone could trace my IP address and find me, but that's just paranoia talking, right?

Yeah, my mind is totally gone right now. It's just about 1:00 a.m. now and I am not tired at all. I need to be up in about 6 hours.