BNLsMOM, I really don't like where this is headed. It sounds like you are in a lot of danger. Can you call a crisis line? Distract yourself in some way with a book or a movie? If you find yourself moving towards the pill bottle, you need to put it down, grab a phone, and call 911. Please stay safe. You know that you don't want to die, but it doesn't seem that you are in control right now.