if I even miss my medication by a couple hours suicide ideation intrudes again. I don't know why, it happens whether or not I had a great day, am depressive or manic. It's just flashes, like it's edited by some hack music video producer. I don't act on it but I sometimes let myself slip into dwelling on philosophical right/wrongness and pros/cons when I try to talk myself out of it.

I know it can be scary because you feel like you should have control and yet, it's just not there. Like a bad dream. Please don't just forget about it once it subsides, I know it's easy. You can get through this