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Hello Everyone,
I’m new here and have been reading through the posts and finding them very helpful.
I’m 38 and was diagnosed with bipolar about 18 years ago and put on lithium (amongst many other drugs). I never really believed the diagnosis. I thought I was ‘faking’ my behaviour and couldn’t understand why the doctors didn’t see through me. I still think that.
I was taken off lithium and everything else about 12 years ago and since then have been on no medication apart from a 3-month period on an anti-depressant 6 years ago.
At the end of August I had a bad depression and saw a new pdoc. He put me on an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. Then I had an episode of hypomania (so everyone says). I’m now on a mood-stabiliser (Lamictal) and still the AD. More stable now but still need more time. This pdoc also says I have bipolar (II).
Here’s the thing: I’ve never accepted this diagnosis and I’m still struggling with it. I still feel like I was faking, or it was my fault and I should have just put more effort into things. It seems so unlikely that I would be bipolar.
At the same time, I am thinking I need to accept it. I am scared. I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past and realising they were probably part of all this. I’m not sure I can deny it any longer. Also I felt great during my ‘high’ – I was super-productive, loads of energy and loads of plans. Now I am very disappointed to realise that this was ‘illness’ and not me getting better, as I thought at the time. I’m disappointed that I have abandoned all these plans and I feel like I can’t trust what I think or feel any more.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone else struggled to accept the diagnosis?
Thanks a lot,
Beebizzy.
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