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zooropa · Oct 31, 2011, 07:21 AM

I've been working on this email to T since last week, and I think I'm about ready to send it but I thought I'd share it here first and get some feedback.

Quote:

you don't need to reply to this, but if you could read it sometime before Wed and think about it, and please give me a chance to talk about it, I'd appreciate it.

these are questions I have, in no particular order. Putting them down here has helped me a lot. Talking about them would help, too. These are the questions that I have that only you can answer.

You said that you know you haven't been pushing me enough because I "check out" too much. I wonder, though. Isn't it possible that having been raped in August could be expected to lead to a worsening of PTSD symptoms such as dissociating? Is it also possible that you being more aware of my dissociating now doesn't mean that I actually am dissociating more, but rather I am better able to verbalize it?

Have you discussed me with your consultation team lately? Have you talked about me with any other professionals recently?

You said that trauma is going to keep happening to me. Do you really believe that? Do you believe I cause that to happen, that I create it?

You said that there is no reason to wait until I'm more stable because I may never be more stable. Again, do you really believe that? Do you think this is as good as it gets for me?

Can you see how the 2 statements above could leave me feeling really hopeless, at a time when I need to feel hope more than ever? How do I separate my reality from yours, so that even if you believe things are hopeless for me, I don't have to believe it, too?

How come losing you feels like losing me? And more importantly, how do I fix it? How do I deal with it? How do I become and feel like a real person all on my own? And how do I become a person that doesn't burn out everyone who gets close? How is it that I do that, and how do I stop?

It seems like this comes from the night ***edited for privacy***. Is it because I called you in the middle of the night? I don't know that I've done that before. Was that the final straw? and if not that, then what was?

If I continue to see you, are there going to be rules about what I can and cannot talk about? Is it possible to set such boundaries in a way that they are clear to both of us, and that those boundaries will be consistent?

Again, if I continue to see you, is it possible to revisit or at least brush up on the distress tolerance skills as well?

Either way, can you refer me to a therapist that specializes in trauma, that knows the DBT skills, and that isn't averse to the idea of long term care if that's what I need? If you don't know such a person, will you help me find someone so that there is some continuity of care? I'm not talking about a DBT therapist, but I think it is important that they are at last familiar with the skills.

Do you have any idea how painful this is for me? How much it makes me question everything you ever told me, and question my own ability to choose who is a safe person to confide in? Isn't there something that you have learned, some training, some previous experience, that could help you make this easier for me? I don't deserve this pain. I deserve for this to be as painless, as gentle, as possible.