I like the turn this thread is taking. Everyone has really hit the nail on the head. My two bits is: what is the moment of repair like? Sometimes you never reach it, because you never get past the hurt? At certain points in conversation with my close friends, they will just growl, really! It's like I've poked the bear? They're telling me I don't know what i'm talking about, i'm crossing a boundary, I don't know what. I see a missed opportunity for closeness or insight, blocked by their anger.

But when T does it with me, I cannot get angry with him. I may feel humiliated, embarrassed - but he is always so gentle and understanding and kind, and SO wants to know how I feel, SO wants to draw me out, it's like he wants me to drop my feelings in his hand while the other one is around my shoulder, even though we are yards apart, and it feels like our faces are touching. THAT'S a repair.

The intimacy, the connection was was ruptured, and now it's repaired. When mother and baby do it, it takes a lot of kisses to console and calm baby down, doesn't it? Well, WE wouldn't know, but for regular people, that's what I've heard, mothers actually put some effort into it, and WAIT for the babies to respond. Not make dismissive robot babies like us who can fix everything on their own and don't need or want anybody, especially not some T who is just going to mess things up more. Get me?