I hope this thread doesn’t fade away…because I think THIS, alongside everything else here and in PC is important. ((((Purpleflyingmonkeys)))), ((((WePow)))), ((((Everyone))))…I am sorry you have all been through so much. I thank you for your bravery and determination to move forward still…

*inhales and exhales*

I should write to three others a similar DEAR ABUSER but don’t know how to address or really think about it. It has interestingly been 10 years this October
-happened at 15, now 25
-started in summer, then the second request for more of the same thing
-then suspension, embarrassment, isolation, and wondering why bother stick around…?
-then suicide attempt #2, day hospital, ongoing T with first pdoc then she retired, now see a different p doc

among other stuff...

First pdoc called it sexual assault. I said that I was just stupid. First pdoc wondered if I would press more charges on top of the school suspension and trespassing charges laid on the 3. I said that it was my fault. First pdoc said it was a mistake and that it doesn’t have to define my entire life. Others have said that too. I said…and still say now that I am repulsive, stupid, disgusting, immature, and all of this is just another reason why I am a screwed up waste. I tried – alongside Perfection or Death, and Pleasing everyone – to have different faces/sides to present to the world. Each one is a mask that is fake, but presents what is necessary and hides me. Except I failed at that as well as everything and one else.

I started attending therapy after all ^that^ mess i made, then first pdoc retired. I now see someone else, but just for meds, no longer do any therapy except for additional support at university (with counseling and disability services) = as additional encouragement to actually stay in school, not have a complete breakdown and runaway. Actually unsure if this should be here or in that *Dear T i wish i could tell you thread…* This has just been on my mind and wondering what’s next… Can I really be with anyone? Should I be close or connected to anyone at all? What do people see when they look at me? What do current acquaintances/colleagues/peers/friends(?) think of me based on what little they know? What do past classmates I encounter (hi Facebook ) think when they see me again? Besides being a screwup, a waste, and a worthless pile of s***, what am I really? Why bother at all now…because it just seems like its too late, I’m too far behind, and could never be/do enough to measure up – especially as I am as me. Again I apologize and am embarrassed for spewing so much of my disgusting mess. I am sorry for being so f***ing selfish, greedy, self-centred, foolish, irresponsible, silly ridiculous, wicked, immoral, nasty, sinful, foul, vile, and obnoxious…



i hate me...i really really just hate me. Ugh, i am just so much useless retched s***...