This. Completely. Being convinced at the beginning of each manic episode that I was getting better stopped me from being diagnosed many years ago. I was recently diagnosed at age thirty-five. In addition, previous experiences with GP's had me utterly convinced that I had to be beyond miserable to get any help whatsover, which stopped my current excellent GP from noticing, because I hid it. That's something I still fear, despite my PDoc and CPN assuring me that if I seem to be doing well and am stable, they won't just suddenly drop me from their caseload. Similarly, they've had to reassure me that if I appear and tell them I'm absolutely fantastic, they're not just going to take my word for it, no matter how convincing I am, and I can be very convincing.

The diagnosis did come as a bit of a relief to me to be fair, and it explains a lot of things. But I did say in another post somewhere that it's left me with a lot of quesions about myself. How much of my identity is me, and how much is bipolar? Does it make a difference? How do I gather together all those previous reincarnations of self and make them into a coherent whole? Another reinvention is probably not the answer at this point.

I know some things for definite. I'm not anywhere near as sociable, outgoing, optimistic, or promiscuous as I thought I was. I've also suspected for many, many years that I'm not religious. Seems like I might be right about that one, thank God... Or, not

Having created some quite detailed charts of my mood over the years, I can't help realising that even the parts I thought were "normal" were just smaller cycles, and that period of stability I recalled was really a long-lasting mild depression. I might have known balanced when I was younger, but I have seen it less and less over the years. I might not even recognise it now, but then I think that's what the doctors are for - to help me find it.

Here's hoping you can level out and get to know yourself properly.