I definitely felt worse before I felt better.

The thing is, though, I wasn't really *in* my life when I started therapy. I was just trying to stay numb and constantly running away from thoughts, feelings, and memories. I was *okay*, but not well.

Opening up all of these feelings was REALLY HARD at first. I spent a few months in pretty bad shape. I never learned as a child how to deal with feelings, and I was kind of starting from scratch.

It's been SO slow, but I do feel so much more present in my life now, for the bad things and for the good things. It feels more authentic.

T compared therapy to chemo once when I was suffering at the beginning...I guess his point was that the thing that heals us can also make us sicker for a little while. I thought it was a horrible analogy at the time, but now, it feels kind of true.

I'm sorry it's so hard.