I have a little more time to respond now. I feel really depressed, though.

VH: I agree. You asked if my desires are realistic. It's not like that. I don't consciously think of wanting to be in my T's life or whatever. I just feel a sense of loss, depression, sadness with really no words. Of course it's not realistic; it just IS.

What you said about fragmentation. In IFS therapy, the parts are important, but having a Self in charge is the goal. My T says I have to build up my Self so it's running the show, not the parts. So you are correct about that.

elliemay: I don't know. I'm happy sometimes, but there is always something wrong. There aren't any guarantees, either. Two of my friends died in the last couple of years, one recently. I'm too overwhelmed with life--and death. I've got goals in RL--studying things, etc. Some are too challenging, like genealogy. I've been productive for aboaut 10 years but now I hit brick walls and I can't stand that. I hate not finding answers. I don't know what you mean--no excuses. Maybe I'm just tired of living. I don't know how to create a space for something different though it sounds like a good plan.

tree: Yes, I always want too much from people and I'm usually if not always disappointed. It plays itself out here; I see that because I feel the same way about my T not responding to my emails when people don't respond the way I want. I don't like that about myself.
I will try not grabbing onto my thoughts--like when I pay attention to my breathing, I'm supposed to let the thoughts come and go like that.

just_some_girl: thank you!