Hi R8! You keep saying, "I can't stand that" - Dr Albert Ellis and his RET - Rational Emotive Therapy, would say, "So you think you can't stand it? So what?" (Okay, so maybe he wasn't the most ELOQUENT T in the world!) He really does go on from there to explain more. (I saw him speak in NYC, and he does like his 4-letter words - he was a hoot!) You might want to pick up a book on this for kicks (they are short!) - RET was quite popular for a while there, might still be - just for a different perspective. It might say something to you.

I think we're getting back to the question - what are you afraid of? This can be answered on so many levels - not fulfilling my destiny was my usual answer. But my primary answer is - her. I was - am - afraid of my mother. She's kinda mean, maybe there are reasons for it - but I don't think she ever really liked me. So I don't like when the phone rings. My heart races, in a really bad way. What makes, or made, your heart race like that?

I could never accept "so what" as an answer for my r/s with her until now. I feel like a cold-hearted b!tch when other people tell me about their old moms, like my neighbor was the other day, but you know what - if that's what he thinks I am, okay by me. I know what I have to do to survive. I was barely living before. My apartment was a dump. It is starting to get pretty, and so am I. Give yourself this gift.