Hey Zoo,

I agree that with so many questions that are important for you, it may be better to take it with you to a session as it is likely your T won't reply to those questions via email.

You said "these are questions that only you can answer" but that's not true and I don't think your T will think it is either. I know it may feel like she has the answers to what you need to do to make things better but as a Therapist they can really only help you to come to a decision on what you think is the best way forward.

I think are probably some questions in there that she can answer because you are just asking for clarity on what she said.

I want to put a few ideas out for you on your email and I want you to know that I don't expect you to take them on board if they don't feel right to you because only you and your T knows what goes on between you

I am a bit confused on what you said about PTSD and disassociating. When you said how your T has said she hasn't been pushing you too hard because you dissociate a lot - I'm just wondering if you see that as a bad thing on her behalf, rather than her thinking that pushing you would not help and may not help if you are dissociating. Did your T say that she didn't think your assault in August would have impacted your PSTD as I think most people would realise it was likely to have an impact on you, as its a very traumatic thing to go through and something no one should have to experience. I just wonder if your T is trying to say that she doesnt want to push you and make things worse, as you might not be ready to deal with it at this stage? A T can often see the signs or feel a change in the room, when a person dissociates, they often don't need the person to verbally say it, so perhaps your T feels she knows when you are dissocating?

I don't need to know the answer to this but I think your T will want to know what makes you concerned about if she talks to other professionals about you? I'm not sure how your T works but there would only be certain people she would be allowed to discuss your case with due to confidentiality agreements.

I can understand that you want to know what your T meant when she said that trauma is going to keep happening to you. I hope she can give you some clarity on this

You went on to say in one of your posts that your T said that you may be ready in 6 weeks, 6 months or perhaps it may never really be the right time to do trauma work. Would she have said this as a way to try and encourage you to try some trauma work or is it that she doesn't feel you are ready for it and that you feel you are?

I'm afraid that when you ask her how do you seperate your reality from hers or why it feels you are loosing yourself when you think about loosing her...she probably won't be able to answer these huni. I can hear your pain in these words, a desperate cry for help because your hurting but I think you have as much information to answer them, if not more than she does, which I know is a scary feeling

Even though she may not be able to give you answers to the questions, hopefully she can help you explore ways you can make things better.

I'm not sure what happened with the call in the night but it sounds like you feel something may have changed in the way your T responds to you and you are wondering if that night was the cause of it? That is probably such an emotionally charged question that you need to talk to her about it in person really.

I would be very concerned to hear any client feeling that they had rules to follow in their therapy about what they can and cannot talk about because that really defeats the purpose of therapy, so I would hope that was not the case for you.

Boundaries may need to be set further but it shouldn't be with regards to what you are or aren't allowed to talk about hun . I would also like to think if a client wanted to go over some skills that might help them, then a therapist should be willing to do this, even briefly.

Is your T ending your therapy with them? I am just wondering as you have asked for a referal?

The last part of your message is full of pain and I see that definately and although your T probably would too, it does have an accusitory tone to it ...sort of like - do you realise what you have done? type vibe to it and your T may feel it is a bit like a guilt trip in a way because you go on to kind of doubt her training ina sense by asking if she learned anything to make it easier on you- make the pain that she has inflicted on you easier. Again this is just a perspective on how she MIGHT take that, she may not see it that way at all.

I agree you don't deserve to be in pain but it sounds like you believe its her fault that you are and maybe that is how you feel, is it?? If it is then you have every right to express that but just be aware that she will most likely not see it the same way.

I hope some of my thoughts have helped in some way, again I dont know the full details so I am only working with what you have said and I could easily be wrong.

I hope you get some resolution for all that pain you are feeling as I can imagine it is very, very hard to deal with