I feel like I'm that weird kid in school that everyone reassures is ok, but has some really annoying attribute that they want to avoid and he's completely unaware that he's doing.

...

My aunt described it once as I'm the one standing out in the cold watching the warm happy family in the beautiful house. There's something that just separates me from the warmth and connection that I long for. I don't know what it is.

It's hard to watch others talk of the supportive relationships that they have, or their interactions with friends and family and feel the full force of what I'm missing, because there's something just wrong with me. Being on facebook is hard for that reason, because I see the fullness of others lives, I often disappear for periods of time.

I've been frustrated, this year in particular has been rough, because I would really rather be dead than continue this existence.But I've managed to trap myself, because I am either too afraid, or I have a sliver of hope. But 20+ years with of a sliver of hope is ridiculous, it's not worth the pain. I would like to actually fix this problem.