hey, diz. thanks so much for your well thought out reply.
I really agree with pretty much everything you said, and I thank you for your perspective. I'm just trying to answer a few questions.

My T was saying that she hasn't been pushing me enough, the proof of that being the fact that I still dissociate, and so she's going to start pushing more. I don't want to be pushed by T, at least not more than I feel she already does.

I'm just wondering if she talked about me with her consultation team, because her change of tactics (for lack of a better word) sort of seemed to come out of the blue, unless as I mentioned later it was because I called her in the middle of the night one weekend. I think when I wrote that I was really caught up in WHY? but now it doesn't matter as much. The why isn't as important as the what of what's happening now.

I think the trauma work conversation went something like: T said we would do more trauma work someday, then she said we won't. I don't WANT to do trauma work, but I want to carry the trauma alone forever even less. It is hard for me to think about opening up that much with another T, but that's something for me to work on.

and yes, she has said that we need to set and end date and stick to it. I haven't talked to her directly about referrals yet, but I'm going to have to.

And you're right, there is probably a part of me that feels like T is causing my pain. I don't really understand why I have to stop seeing her, and I feel like if I could keep seeing her then everything would be fine. Which, of course, it wouldn't be, but losing T just makes me feel so...alone. Abandoned. Worthless.

so, I won't share that email with her in its entirety, because a lot of it came out of raw emotion and I've worked through some of those emotions. I also agree that when I said "these are questions only you can answer," that wasn't accurate. There are things in there that only T can answer, and those are the things I'll ask her. The rest of it...well, just the act of putting it into words seems to have started some process of resolving those feelings within me.