Quote:
Originally Posted by Beebizzy
I’m 38 and was diagnosed with bipolar about 18 years ago and put on lithium (amongst many other drugs). I never really believed the diagnosis. I thought I was ‘faking’ my behaviour and couldn’t understand why the doctors didn’t see through me. I still think that.
I was taken off lithium and everything else about 12 years ago and since then have been on no medication apart from a 3-month period on an anti-depressant 6 years ago.
At the end of August I had a bad depression and saw a new pdoc. He put me on an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. Then I had an episode of hypomania (so everyone says). I’m now on a mood-stabiliser (Lamictal) and still the AD. More stable now but still need more time. This pdoc also says I have bipolar (II).
Here’s the thing: I’ve never accepted this diagnosis and I’m still struggling with it. I still feel like I was faking, or it was my fault and I should have just put more effort into things. It seems so unlikely that I would be bipolar.
At the same time, I am thinking I need to accept it. I am scared. I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past and realising they were probably part of all this. I’m not sure I can deny it any longer. Also I felt great during my ‘high’ – I was super-productive, loads of energy and loads of plans. Now I am very disappointed to realise that this was ‘illness’ and not me getting better, as I thought at the time. I’m disappointed that I have abandoned all these plans and I feel like I can’t trust what I think or feel any more.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone else struggled to accept the diagnosis?
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Here's the original post in big letters for those who need it
I can so relate to so many of your points. It took me so long to believe that my diagnosis was real, even now I still sometimes doubt because my hypos are very subtle cos of meds: they feel so much like what normal should feel like... good for a change. I have to think back to my most (hypo)manic time when I climbed around the top of a 9 story building - just for fun!!!!
I totally get the upset at finding out that what you thought was normal was actually hypomania.... things are finally feeling good and someone comes along and tells you that you can't feel like that anymore and have to take drugs to stop it from happening again...
When I was first diagnosed I felt like my mind, which had always been my strength, was now against me, I could not rely on it and could not trust it to work any more.
There is hope, however, now I am on meds that (*mostly*) work and I'm (*mostly*) stable (except the dip that I'm going through at the moment - but hopefully that won't last) I can work and play and have a relatively normal life.
Hope this helps
