I have often asked myself the same question. Yes, I am here, but I feel like I'm going thru the motions, or as you said, I exist. I was abused also growing up by parents, students and teachers, following abusive men, and finally I was physically raped at 24 by 2 police officers. That was 20 yrs. ago but I still live with that horrible fear, distrust, bad dreams, scary thoughts about others, and low self-esteem. Most say they'd never know it. I have had some counseling over the years, and have been told I was a master of repression. Well I guess, I didn't want to live in the problem. I want to feel less vulnerable, but I can't help but guard all my actions, and often it is to no avail. How did I marry another that was abusive?? I don't like being or feeling pessimistic, but when I look inside that is where I have been a long time. I have panic disorder, and PTSD and I have spent years wanting to improve, but don't know how. Other people seem to have improved their lives and living... that gives me hope, and feelings of gladness that they have overcome and survived. Now that I have shared my misery and empathy with you maybe we should listen to the overcomers here. I surely hope life gets better for us and all survivors... Meanwhile from my cave (as I call it), I'll sit and listen. I wish you good luck and all the happiness yet to be had.