Yippee! I did it! Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to go back to see T today.

I got more and more anxious before I went, it was hard to concentrate at work.

Anyway managed to get myself there and had planned and rehearsed lots of times.

I calmly said everything I wanted to say and T apologised. It was quite a strange experience really, my memory didn't fail me too much and I felt very in control.

I don't think T thought I was spot on with my new insights (i.e. apparently it isn't about T versus me, but it is about both of us, T AND me). But I thought to myself "no I am going to concentrate on me for a change, I have had a lifetime of considering everyone else and I am much in need of my entire focus at this point in my life. Maybe in time I can share that focus between me and T and be a little more balanced, but I think a little selfishness is in order first.

T said that it was their opinion that I should not quit therapy at this time, but if I wanted to change therapists, we could find another one together. It was quite weird hearing that - with no diagnosis, sometimes I wonder if I am imagining everything, so to hear someone say that I needed therapy was odd.

We talked about the terror I had felt last week and the fact that I had felt anxious in sessions before, but never that bad. Then it dawned on me, that normally when we look at the big stuff I dissociate and last week I had not done this. So maybe despite it feeling so horrible, it was nonetheless progress as I did stay with my feelings, the room and T and did not switch off.

So a week on, strangely I am thankful for that hard session last week - I really have learned so much this week and that includes feeling really supported by you all on here - so thank-you so much. Soup