I'm in a tricky situation. I'm spending a year as an exchange student in the UK, I thought it would be easy, but it completely destroyed my balance. I'm not in control, I'm exposed and I'm facing the unknown. Every little thing sets me off.
I'm very repressed, a very "silent borderline" type, no one is EVER aware of my symptoms, of my feelings. Because of this, naturally, no one here is even slightly aware of my state of mind. I have never broken down in public, never acted impulsively. I MUST be in control. I MUST be protected, shielded from the dangers of letting go. I can't handle being exposed.
The trigger to the feeling from before was trivial. I'm living with a family with children. The youngest is a four year old girl that keeps pushing me to the edge. She doesn't listen to me, ever. Whatever I ask her to do, she'll disregard, and this will always end up in her tears and my fear of being seen as guilty. I have been frustrated for weeks by her and today she barged into my room and wouldn't get out, and she wouldn't listen and she shouted and laughed and disregarded all that I said as a joke. I feel so impotent, prevaricated upon by a girl of four, totally helpless. I cannot shout at her, I cannot forcibly make her listen, I cannot do anything and if I don't do anything, it will end up badly anyhow.

The real problem isn't her, it's me, me and my inability to cope with anything out of my comfort zone, anything that escapes my perfectly controlled realm. I have tried so hard to keep myself from the possibility of pain, because I know that I cannot take it; and now I've thrown myself to the sharks. I blame myself and my therapist for agreeing with the idea. I am in a place I do not know, in situations I cannot handle, without my therapist of three years. We should have known I cannot face this, I'm too frail.
I cannot go home. I cannot handle staying.