A HUGE conflict came up with a friend today. It's SO ugly. AND it involves my oldest son. He is in a conflict with her kids and she's put herself right in the middle of it. It is a totally normal kid conflict being blown way out of proportion and he's being made into a scapegoat. I am always, ALWAYS willing to see my boys' mistakes...they make a lot, like we all do...and in this situation, it's pretty clear to me that her ugliness is really uncalled for. AND at the same time, I don't want to get in the middle of my kids' conflicts with their friends, and here is this other mom RIGHT in the middle of it and it makes me not know what to do.

It was a really hard day. I worked hard to be present...I prayed and meditated and tried to ground myself.

Before therapy I was literally NEVER in conflict with people. I just rolled with whatever happened and assumed the other person was right. Now, I'm in the second pretty big conflict I've been in in the past year. I think part of it is the type of people I chose as friends in the past...I've learned a lot and choose differently now, and I do have really safe, kind friends, but I still have these other, harsher people around as well.

I trust myself more now, and I guess that's why I am willing to stand up for myself. But. WOW. It's really triggering for me. Anger scares me more than anything in the world, and it is VERY hard for me to stay present around anger. I tend to leave in my head and not defend myself or say anything intelligent. It's a reaction from childhood that it's so hard to unlearn...if I can even unlearn it.

Tomorrow I am going to be somewhere ALL DAY where this other person is. All day long. In the same room. We'll be waiting for our kids in classes, so there will be ample opportunity to talk. I'm scared. It probably sounds stupid, but there it is.

So. Tonight, I called T. I didn't even think twice about it. There was no agonizing over it, no guilt about it, no fear. I just did it and asked if he could call back. He e-mailed me and said he can call me tomorrow morning, so we're going to talk at 8:30. I didn't think "I don't want to bother him tomorrow". I just thought "thank you".

I don't know if that has EVER happened in 4 years of therapy. Just needing T, knowing what I need (some coaching about how to get through tomorrow), and calling and asking for it...and feeling okay about it.

I am SO grateful that I was able to call and that he will call back and help me. I am SO grateful that I am aware of how vulnerable I feel and that I'm not afraid to tell T and let him in.

Having that security right now so makes all of the hard work seem worth it.