I have a serious problem here and am running out of time, so I thought that I would ask all of you for your input.

For those who don't know me, I am bipolar II, major depression recurrent and borderline personality disorder. I am married (if you can call it that - it leaves a lot to be desired) with one absolutely wonderful son who means the world to me.

I was unstable for a long time, tried to OD in 2004 (almost succeeded) and had a brief stint back in the psych ward in Dec. of 05 to try to get my act together - a respite, my pdoc called it. I have finally gotten most of the major symptoms under control with a good mix of meds: Geodon, Abilify and Lexapro. All except the depression.

The last few months at work have been hell for me. This is the first job that I have been at for any length of time (one year now) and lately I have been taking "sick time" days off because I can't get myself going to get into work. I have been majorly suicidal, enough that my pdoc and I communicate by phone as well as email regularly.

He just upped my dosages of all my meds, which has seemed to help somewhat with the suicide thoughts. See I knew I needed to get into the hospital because I wasn't safe anywhere else for sure. I get no support, no nothing from my husband at home, just alot of verbal abuse and other stuff. The only saving grace is my son who is ten.

Anyway, work has noticed that I am not as "reliable" anymore with all this time off, but I reassured them that I was going into the hospital soon and would be okay. I worked it out where I'd get 4 days off without losing any pay since all my sick time has been used up. This business has been really good to me since I started there - held a food drive for me when we were short on food at home plus gave me a gift card to the local grocery store - plus promoted me in Dec. and my most recent review was excellent.

My problem is whether I should still go into the hospital. I can still barely get myself up and into work although most of the other things are better with the med increases. If I do go in, maybe they can evaluate the Lexapro and change it to something else or I'll learn something during group session. I've also had to start taking Clonazepam just so I can go to work and stay there. I've been having severe anxiety attacks while I'm there and the Clonzepam helps (.5mg. but I take 5 or more per work day just to hang in there). I'm thinking that a change in job would be good but I don't dislike my work, not consciously anyway.

The flip side is my son. I could take the 4 days and stay home, just relax and see if that helps any concerning work. If I go, my son will miss me terribly and I'm not sure my husband will bring him up to see me (the hospital is about 45 minutes away) let alone what he'll tell him about me.

So......................what do I do? Go for 4 days or just stay at home?

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks in advance for any and all replies.

Mary Alice