Hey There guys, Thanks for writing to me I sure do appreciate the comments and advice. First of all the meth does very well affect ones brain in a lot of ways and I am glad you are safe now. I love hearing stories about people getting their life back together and staying clean. It warms my heart and it is my wish for my partner really but one can only hope. I still carry that hope with me. Thank you....

Second, to answer the other question, No I don't have any real person to talk to besides my daughter, my partner, or myself. This seems to be the person I talk to most nowadays is me, myself, and I here. My mom is acting wierd because she and I go through these things of wierdness with one another. I came from a emotional screwed up childhood where I think I had to chase after my mothers love because one week she would be blaming me for her and my dad fighting and the next week she would apologize and buy me things to cheer me up. Money can't buy love but that is besides the point here. I lied more than one time for my mother because she threatened me with not being able to see my friends or her for that matter and I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway because of that fear of abondondment or however you may spell that word. I know I spelled it wrong. My words just flow sometimes..... My dad was the mellow one always tucking me in and talking to me while my mother never done these things that I always craved for her to do and my mother also had me believing that my Dad molested me from a young age but now I realize that she was putting doubt inside of my head. If she said that then maybe she done these things or thought about them herself because she is not right in the head sometimes but you know what she is my Mother and I still love her for that fact. I do believe some of what you said up there because we as humans put ourselves in situations and/or patterns of our enviornment. I can see clearly that I was looking for that motherly love and freindship that I felt I never got all around as a child. I put myself there because I wanted to be One with someone and share the ultimate love with them forever and for all eternity and have my own family because I never felt like I had much of one myself. My mother and father always were two faced and said things about me behind my back and my only safe place was Nanners house whom my mother also made me stay away from for a while while I was younger as well. She was like a grandmother figure to me whom lived across the street since I was a baby and died when I was 16. My grandparents all died when I was younger as well. My grandma died when I was 7. My grandpa died two weeks after me and my mom left and I was 12. My dads dad was dead before I was born and my dads mom I never really got to know all that well because of family drama. I made my own family because I feel like an outkast to my own and there is always alot more to these stories than what meets the naked eye but this is just some of what I am presenting to you now.

What you say does make absolute sense to me on the inside because I have thought this over many many times with myself. I wish I were stronger than what I am now but sometimes I am scared and we live in a scarey place nowadays but to me when I see that love spark in my lovers eyes I start thinking of all the memories again and wonder why I feel the feelings that I do inside of me. I find myself crying, screaming, one time scratching myself just to prove something to someone, on the floor then telling myself to get up I am worth more than this and mad then calming myself down again then starting all back up all over. It is a cycle. A rollar coster like my childhood but this was suppose to be my love, my life, my foundation, and my family... I do know one thing now though and that is that I have grown to know me more on the inside and I love that person for who she is and try to no put her down anymore because she is so much more better than that now. I know this this is why I come in here and sing when I feel sad, hurt, mad, betrayed, or what have you. It helps put me in a better mood... Thanks for listening and you have been a great help and don't worry about ofending me because I love advice no matter if it is something I might not like to hear or not and don't get me wrong I love my wife with all of my heart and soul but sometimes I feel like I don't exsist to her in her world when I talk. I wish she could really see me for who I am on the inside, that girl she met so many years ago in winterhaven california. She is still there and she does exsist in my world with me, by me, and for me. She is me--- To bad she don't she that person like I do... Love and LIght to all... Jessica Bond Detrick