Suicidal Ideation ranges from fleeting thoughts to detailed planning. You may have been having fleeting thoughts at first and they are somewhat common (yet still need to be taken seriously), however it seems as though it has progressed to detailed planning.

The fact of the matter is this- you can't trust what you may or may not do in this stage....period. Even your Tdoc can't predict with certainty what the outcome will be. If he/she says they can they are not being truthful, they can't predict human behavior or predict the future.

Being in a "safe" environment at this point is the goal to keeping you alive. Worry about your husband being sick, where the kids will go, etc. is all subconscious talk that will make you feel worse about the situation. If you had a sudden illness of any other kind and had to be hospitalized wouldn't your family figure things out? They would know they "had to", because you weren't well.

This is no different...you are not well. Doesn't matter that it's do to mental illness, it is an illness..... Would you go to the hospital to get help if you had a heart attack? or had uncontrollable diabetes? or pancreatitis?.... Of course you would. The fact that your husband is sick would be irrelevant. The fact that you have kids would be irrelevant. Why is this so different?

The thing is this.... you're telling yourself (even if subconsciously) that you can control this without going to the hospital.... So my question to you is- do you know this for certain?... If you can't answer "yes" to that question then you're risking your life and your families happiness by not helping yourself.

Remember I myself have been down this road. I know that this "planning" can turn into "action" at any point, for any reason. Why? Because it's irrational and stemming from "illness".