My complex PTSD thoughts are raging today and they have me so bothered and angry. It's exhausting and I'm not able to accomplish much.

I am seeing my T tonight. We discussed it last night also. My PTSD stems from emotional mistreatment by my mom (and neglect by my dad) as a child; she's still alive and it continues to this day. It was exacerbated by jobs where, though I worked very hard, female bosses were mean because they wanted me to leave. Part of it was impossible job descriptions. They got meaner and meaner and blamed me for their actions; I just wanted to keep my job. In some cases, the cruelty went on for years. The result is that I am burnt out. Now, I find it hard to trust people. I may never be a perfect employee but I always try my hardest. And, I work very hard. All to no avail, it seems.

Now, I am unemployed. I checked myself into a mental health ward for a few days after being fired - it was a waste of time. I have tried my hardest at life and it has not worked out. I hate my life and the things about it that I cannot change - especially the health and sexual issues. I feel that I am cursed and hate god. The major religions are full of lies. I scream at myself all day for every little mistake. Being alive is not working out. All I am is sad and angry.

I see a T three times a week; it has been a few months now. I talk, I listen, I try and the result is - nothing. Today, nothing is calming me down. I don't know what to do about it.