(((((((unhappyguy))))))))

I am very sorry you are having these down days, I know exactly how you feel and how hard it is to bring yourself up from these bad days. And it is hard to just understand how the PTSD just comes out this way seeming to trap you where you just want to somehow break free of it.

In the past few weeks I have recognized some things about the people who have mistreated me in my past, it was actually quite accidental. But I realized some things that I wasn't really consciously aware of the way I am now.

Unhappyguy, you were conditioned by your mother who obviously has issues of her own.
I finally looked at my own family in a very differnt way and my time here at PC has taught me things I really didn't realize. I came here to see how I was misunderstood and to just put myself out here and be able to see what kind of reaction I got. And I honestly never intended to learn and come to know what I am recognizing now. I am starting to see how my childhood effected my need to excuse other people's behaviors and do my best to be understanding and work around them. And then I really put some thought into the people in my life that effected me. And I have come to realize that these people had real issues/disorders that I simply was not aware of. My controlling sister has Social Phobia and as I came across someone who truely reminded me of my sister I looked up Social Phobia and as I think about my sister and even my father, and they fit the profile to a T. Both my sister and my father talk at me and don't listen and cut me off, they are very controlling and my sister can be very mean and make every effort to twist things into only her way of thinking. And I grew up with this control, and in many ways was trained to give into it. And when I couldn't get past is to fight it, I was hurt. But it wasn't me, it wasn't something I did wrong, I honestly didn't know what I was dealing with and she is still the same, very controlling and its actually pretty creepy.

I have begun to recognize that much of my own issues come from servicing their issues, and to be honest, even my own husband not only was an alcoholic, but he too had issues that led up to that disease. And as he is now sober and we have been working together on learning about my PTSD, he is seeing things about himself that he is trying to change.
My husband had a kind of hero complex and he wanted others to like him so much that he did more than was expected of him, the problem was, all it really did was make others just expect more from him, and wasn't truely appreciated. And he has been backing off and just doing his job requirements and finding out just how much people just expected him to pick up the slack and how they could drop the ball in their jobs and feel fine with him picking up their slack. Well, he is experiencing some really unhappy people who don't like the new him as he is letting them be more responsible for their own mistakes.
And he is angry and I had to sit with him and tell him that it is important that he doesn't just get angry at other people whom he trained to leave so much up to him. And that is what he is learning, and I am learning through that as well looking at myself. I have been trying to see my own issues and why I experience abuse from other people. And I do have to make changes and learn more about some of the things I somehow teach people to disrespect me, and also I am very honest, well guess what, many people are not honest and are very used to their ways of deceiving others, even controlling others.

Unhappyguy, I clearly understand your spiriling down and feeling guilty and unworthy and unhappy with yourself. But you need to truely step outside this picture and see why this happens to you. Your mother has imprinted you very deeply with the feelings that no matter how hard you try, you seem to fail and then you blame yourself. Hey, guess what, I do that too, and I often put myself down or hid my own emotions so that others could have their way or so that things could seem more normal. And I am seeing that more and more and I have to learn how to respond to people better and stand up for myself better, I have really been conditioned AND I have actually been around too many people with issues, and their issues were taken out on me.

I am willing to bet that your mother has some kind of disorder or some kind of abuse in her past where she has thrown out her issues at you and you grew up thinking that you were never good enough, in any way. And you need to truely look at how you have been trained into this unknowingly. You need to truely look at that in therapy and let go of the feelings of unworthiness that bring you down and also presented you with this PTSD. Because you were abused and that is actually the pattern that you learned, you fall every time you cant seem to please others. But the reality is, many times you are most likely actually dealing with others, that no one could please, because these others have issues.
And this can happen even in the work place, because there are people with issues everywhere in life. The problem is that your stuck on you and the pattern of taking the blame if your around these people and something goes wrong. And I am sure that you, even myself and others with this issue, unknowingly set ourselves up for being mistreated or even abuse. And this doesn't have anything to do with you being stupid or being a bad person or even being a failure, and everything to do with how you have been unknowingly conditioned into the way you think about others and yourself. And I am having a hard time with it too, just so you know.

So, without realizing it, you are repeating certain behaviors that set you up for a fall and disappointment. And you know what, your stay in the mental health ward will not fix that. But you can learn to fix that, you have to identify it first. And these feelings that your discribing here, "I try and the result is - nothing". That is the PTSD and all the negetive conditioning you have experienced in your past that has been imprinted in you that you just cant seem to understand. You are blaming you, feeling like a failure and are very confused, guess what, me too. And I am slowly looking at the reality that I am a nice person and in many ways I still need to learn, I have put myself out to try to please others, and these others simply were never ones I could actually please, no matter what I did. I unknowingly took abuse and I just didn't see it coming, and I admitt, I have to learn a better way to deal with the issues of others and there are people out in life that definitely have issues. And it is not just me, it is more about how I have to learn how to react to it better.

Unhappyguy, that is why your an unhappyguy, not your fault, but I truely know how you may feel like a waste of a person somehow, I have felt that way too. And like you, I have to learn how I torture myself in ways that I have just been programed into bad thinking patterns. And that is a part of PTSD, a desire to learn how to feel safe, loved, be able to trust, be truely believed, and valued and respected. And yet though we do try we somehow fall short and then feel really down and helpless and incapable and also very overwhelmed.

Your truely not alone and this way of feeling is the PTSD talking, but that voice is something that was engrained in you that you just haven't figured out yet. I am sure that your a really nice person, and you do try hard and your the one you pick on when things go bad. Me too.

Keep going to therapy, and make sure you talk about the other people that you feel you have disappointed and think about them as people and how they actually live their lives.
You need to learn that it isn't you all the time, you have just been so ingrained by the issues of others that you are now very confused and you blame yourself somehow. So, you have to work at that, and I have been trying to do that too. I have to be honest, it has been hard on me and yes, I often feel very alone and I also feel that other people are never going to understand how I really struggle and how the PTSD is so difficult on me.
I just want you to know unhappyguy, YOUR NOT ALONE, I HEAR YOU AND I KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING. Keep going to therapy and keep coming here. You can even vent here, and get your feelings down in writing, just like you have here. Because that way you can see it and you can also actually get a response, like mine that lets you know, your not alone, yes, it is hard, I have it too. But there are ways to slowly work at it and slowly gain.

I know these bad days very well, I know the anger, the sadness, and the confusion and even the exhaustion, feelings of isolation, and wondering even what you want, how to proceed and the confusion is exausting, ALL OF IT, yes I know. But I also know that in time with good counceling and SUPPORT, even if you have to come here to get it, you will slowly learn how to correct this poluted thinking and the dumps of PTSD.

Big Hugs to you unhappyguy, please let go of the thoughts of self daming, I know it is hard. So when you get that way come here and get therapy and give yourself a break. On those bad days don't give in to the self anger and desire to self punish, I really have those days too, it is hard, just keep to task and keep getting therapy and as I have said come here if you need to, I can't even begin to say how much PC has helped me with those really bad days. Oh, just knowing I am not alone and to keep trying means so much. I really hear you unhappyguy, hang in there, keep working at it, you truely not alone.

Open Eyes