I've been in moods before where I'd not eat or I'd want to diet and do "diet things", but I don't think anything in the past can compare to what I feel now. This weekend, the past couple days, my focus is that I want that "thin" feel back again. I've actually thought that it might be nice to have the flu this weekend because it would clean me out and I'd have that thin feeling. My mind seems so concentrated on "what can I do to get that feeling?!?!" I feel so eager to try, try, try but I am so afraid, afraid, afraid. Every time I hear an ambulance go past I think of it taking me away to the hospital. I want that thin feeling, but I don't want to be dying to get it. I am scared already that my behaviors in the past and current may have already done damage. I always pass blood tests, they say, but I still worry about hidden effects and damage. My regular doctors don't know about me having any type of eating disorder or PTSD or anything. Okay, I know maybe they should, but I like to figure that they haven't asked. I know that I should volunteer the information, but it's hard, it's embarrassing. I've felt chest pains and palpitations for a couple of years now with heavier physical activity like with exercising, carrying boxes, etc. I haven't really talked with anyone about this. It really does scare me though. It could be asthma related, so I tell myself (even though I rarely have a problem with asthma, and even then usually allergy related). I've thought today about calling my T or whoever is on call now that it is after hours tonight, or going somewhere (hospital or ???) to talk to someone. If my T had voice mail that I could use, I would use it. I would call and leave a message for him. I don't know what I'd say. I'd let him know (probably vaguely) what is going on. I really don't know if I can bring myself to tell him in person at the next appointment--which isn't for about another 12 days?! Anything that I would tell him would be very extremely limited. My child's T works for the same company as my T, so I worry too that what if I would page who's on call and get my child's T--I don't want him to find out! I like talking to him, but it still scares me. He is really nice and easy to talk to, like my own T is. I don't know how things work around that office for an on call schedule as to what might happen if I did do that. I really don't want to go that route, but it's still been in my thoughts. I've been thinking about calling and asking the answering service if they can forward my call to my T's voice mail (assuming that he might have one for internal office use). All the little voices in my head keep telling me to do whatever it takes, whatever kind of pill or (???) to feel thin. I feel like an alchoholic dying for just one more drink, my mind is telling me just one more (???) to have that thin feeling. I guess this is what a true eating disorder feels like?! I don't know what to think. I wish I had a voice mail for my T. I've said that before and I know I'll say it again. DocJohn, wanna do me a favor and make an anonymous phone call to my T? Just kidding...I think. It would be so much easier though if someone else could tell him, and then he could call me and we could talk. I guess it feels that if he were to find out by other means than me telling him and he confronted me about it directly, it would be easier for me to confess and talk about. I suppose that's why leaving a voice mail or fax (or even email if available) would be easier for me--it would be like he was being told by the fax or voice mail, rather than "me". It would be more indirect, I guess. I'll post later more of what happens or doesn't. I don't know what else to do than to hang around here and contemplate.