Oh, ((((unhappyguy)))) I could say the same thing. When we have a parent or parents that let us down it really effects the way we think about life and even ourselves. And I can see that your probably a really nice person and you genuinely want to find a way to finally please your mother somehow and get that love and approval and acceptance somehow. And you also try to do that with others, even yourself, because you wont let yourself free without that approval. And that is very human and also observed in the lower primates.

I know the search is bothering you. But you truely have to understand that your trying to get love and approval from someone who really truely doesn't know how to give it to you.
It can be so hard to believe that we become adults and we age and yet there is always that part of us, that child that may not have gotten the right approval and nurturing and we can spend our lives searching and wondering and even not allowing ourselves to grow the way we should. It amazes me that this PTSD exists the way it does. Yes, it is very hard, it encapsulates a lot of emotions, fear, anger, frustration, shame, a hell of a lot of anxiety, and such a sense of an unfairness or even a strange never ending question.

Shortly after I joined PC I met a man that had been in therapy for a long time and he was very angry and his father abused him really bad. He had to again deal with his dad as an elderly man and that elderly man had never changed and remained an abusive person. I suggested that this member really look behind his father and try to see how this man became that way and I also told him that often abusive people just truely do not understand or know how to be a parent or how to love others, even respect others.

Finally he did what I suggested and therapy worked better for him. And he had to finally accept that father or as he put it, daddy he always wanted was never going to be there.
And he had to morn that, and I am sure that he is still morning that fact. But he himself is a good man, in spite of his father, he really tries and he went the path of punishing himself and finally he is working on allowing himself to be a good person and live life out as best as he can. And that is hard, its hard for me to do as well, I have things that hurt me too and disappointed me. And I cannot tell you I am better and strong again. I am learning and I have accepted the fact that I will be continuing to learn.

I have to admit that I haven't tried CBT. And there are members here that have talked about how much it is helping them. You and I cannot change other people, I am sadly looking at that too. But we can learn how to think more about our own needs and even learn how to slowly think differently in a healthier way. Hey, we didn't get this way overnight, so I am with you, we are not going to change overnight either.

To be honest, I am struggling too, and I am just coming off a week of hell because my past and one of my abusers got in my face and I had another bad experience today.
Okay, these people that are giving me a hard time have no idea what I am dealing with, they just are looking for control and they are just thinking about themselves. You and I are probably the same, more passive and try to please so when this happens it really becomes a psychological vampire to us. I have recognized that I have to learn how to overcome this. And like you, it is so ingrained in me that before I know it I am crippled by the abuse. So, I am trying to look at it, it isn't easy, but I know I am a good person, I just have to learn how to be more assertive and not allow these toxic people to continue to ruin me. And you have to learn that too, I am with you, I hear you. Unfortunately there are a lot of crappy abusive people out there in the world. BUT, there are some nice people too unhappyguy and your one of them, you just have to learn like me ways to overcome the bad and allow yourself to progress forward.

Just remember, your not the only person out there that feels this way, okay?, so your not alone in that.
I am looking at abuse to and I am trying to figure it all out and how I can overcome all this. And I am deep in a thicket and exhausted. And it truely is one day at a time and a slow process to finally recognize the reality and that you can eventually learn how to overcome it. I am trying to do that too.

And there definitely is a repetitive thinking pattern that childhood abuse victims have. I have it too and I am far from stupid. And I do have to say what makes it hard is that I did love the people that abused me. But they had problems and no matter what I say or do, I cannot change that. I have to learn how to accept that too. And it is hard when you actually love the person that abused you, really hard to see the reality of them and finally accept that you need to live your life away from that person because they are toxic. I wish it was different, and so do countless others.

Open Eyes