I've been on medications for depression for the past three or four years. I've never really seen much improvement. I don't tell anyone though.
I think it's because I'm trying to hide it from myself.
But it's getting really bad again. I've started hurting myself again. I cry all of the time. If I'm not crying then I'm: drunk, holding back tears, sleeping, or high. I don't want to keep living like this. I want to be happy while sober too. I just want to be happy.
I guess that's too much to ask though.
I just keep listing reasons to die, and then reasons to live. There are more reasons to live, and I realize that... but I don't want to keep going through this Hell just to get to another one.
I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and two very loving parents. I haven't told any of them that I'm suicidal again. I don't want to see that pain in their eyes every time they look at me. I don't want them worrying about me all the time. I don't want them to be in pain because of my pain.
I just don't know what to do. I have no idea.
Should I give up?
Should I just... stop everything?
I don't know.

Thanks for reading about my pitiful life. You people are truly good people. You always help, or try to help, me through everything I go through.