Oh how hard it must have been for you not to have been able to grieve for your father. If you haven't done so enough yet maybe you could start from there. and the fact that your household was violent, even if it wasn't directed at you, makes things so much more complicated. Your depression could be linked with that also. When my mother died, my grief was intermixed with other issues and I had to untangle them one by one, and work through them one by one. I did it in small steps and it took me a while but I was able to work through things eventually. I hope you will be able to find your way also, whether with the help of a good therapist, or just by doing it yourself as you sound very self-aware. Wishing you all the best--Terry