i am having anxiety issues may be OCD and i have this wierd, peculiar and quite shameful condition where my eyes looks at inappropriate places of people at inappropriate times like in public view when everyones watching like if i am standing in a group and any women in the group and i'll be staring at their bossoms and with men at their crotch(i am not gay). i am unable to control my own eyes and i dont think anybody else is having such a problem.

i have always been moody, withdrawn, reclusive, sensitive like unable to take criticisms, unable to express how i felt. when in school when i was attracted to a girl like a crush i never expressed my feelings, while in college another girl liked me and i liked her but could never speak to her being shy, scared, coz of fear coz i am from India(socially and culturaly quite backward though kamasutra and other arts having broader view on life were invented here most people are still ignorant and primitive) i am living in a joint family(a Hindu joint family) is it that such supression of my feelings and desires turned me into this creep.

its normal for men to stare at boobs but with me its like its almost abnormally normal for me to be staring at boobs. which is irritating, embarrissng, frustrating, shameful, disgusting, sick, unwanted, could also be illegal i cant control myself. almost any women even family and realtives i am unable to have control over my eyes(mind). is it because of intrusive thoughts, sexual addiction(i have never had sex though), may be PTSD coz once i was almost got caught getting cozy with a housemaid at our house when suddenly a visitor appeared and i got hell scared and i feel guilty coz i shouldnt have done that but i was 16 and very very curious because of this i dont trust myself around anyone especially kids. they scare the hell out me. every other women reminds of my brute self even women within the family are no exeptions. have i crossed the barrier that sets apart a regular OCD/POCD with intrusive thoughts and me who fears i have already done something that shouldnt have been done and worrying what else i might do.

if so am i just tasting the bitterness of my karma or am i just obsessed about boobs because i am artist and physical forms obsess me especially women whom i think the most beautiful creatures ever! but i dont want to be an idiot, a fool thinking and fantasizing about them just sexually. should i just be having this embarrising and shameful condition for the rest of my life as a punishment?