When I was pregnant I thought that I was going to be a great mom, that I would never get tired of playing with my beautiful baby girl. But that hasn't happened.
Every since she was born, I noticed that she was more attached to her father than she was to me, even though I was breastfeeding her. The first 8-10 months I was pretty much the one in charge of taking care of her. But as the months went by, her father became more and more involved, while I became less and less involved, to the point that he was the one doing almost everything, except for cooking. I don't blame him since (to my horror) I was actually relieved. I thought "He's better at it, he's a natural". Now I realize that that wasn't the case at all. I was beginning to feel the fragmentation of my emotions.
It came to a point that when I've decided to divorce her father, he was even the one that bathe her, change her, comb her hair (thing that should be solely done by the mother) while I just sat there, minded in my own world.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart and soul. I can't imagine my life without her.
After the divorce, I started spending more time with her which forced me (for lack of a better word) to regain charge of her caring. That's when I started to notice (really notice) my deficiencies.
I don't know how to play, draw or have a conversation with her. I just don't know how. I know in theory, but in practice I find it almost impossible. It's like I don't have the patience it requires. Like the ME that wants to do those things is watching from outside the ME that can't do them.
It makes me feel really bad, specially when I see how it comes naturally to others to do so. It just breaks my heart.
This is the main the reason I asked for help and started therapy. I want to be a good mother. I want to be the mother she deserves to have. I want to be able to play her, teach her things, know how to nurture her self-esteem.
I know what it's like to have a mother that doesn't seem to care for her child or seems to find her company a bother. I don't want to be that kind of mother. I don't want my daughter to be like me.
I want her to be happy.
It feels good to get this off my chest, I needed to share it.