Well, I am sure the recent loss of your job and the ongoing disappointment with your mother has really caused the PTSD to become overwhelming. What your saying here is just how I feel, I have been so bad the past few days. So, here is what brought that on
just so you see how much I know what your feeling.

I dont know if you know about my neighbors negligence that allowed one of his dogs to run onto my property chasing around all my horses and ponies. Well, that was happening at night while I was sleeping. And the underground electric fence that contained the dog wasn't working and according to them they were fiddling with it on the weekends to see if they could fix it. Well, by Monday night they knew it wasn't working because the dog was coming onto my property and targeting my horses and ponies. And though I did see it loose, I had honked my horn and yelled at the dog and saw them at their door and it run into their house. I had problems with them when they first moved in and thought they could just let thier dogs run my property. I had called the police and the dog warden and they finally contained their dogs. One dog had to be tied because it would run right through the fence and just take the shock. Occassionally that dog would break free and I would yell and they would fix the tie and appologize. I even tried to be friendly with them and get along and many times I talked about the value of my animals and what I did with them. So when I saw the other dog loose and I yelled and saw them bring it in their house, I honestly didn't realize that their fence was broken or that they were going to let that dog run onto my property at night on the same nights and that was going to slowly ruin everything I had worked very hard for. And then my husband and I came home from a late dinner out and we saw the dog chasing around all of them and I will never forget how fast that dog was running loops around them. And that night we yelled and watched the dog run to the neighbors house and into the front door. But what I didn't know is that after that night I was going to spend months addressing all the different kinds of damage that my horses and ponies suffered. And my favorite one died dispite my efforts to save her, and one really expensive horse that we all worked hard for was badly damaged too and everywhere I looked it just kept coming. And I finally just broke and wanted to end, I was exhausted in every way. And I ended up in a psychward and all I asked for is sleep and grief counceling. And the psychward didn't give me that, instead I was further tramatized by the surroundings, ill people, and a very cold room. And being pushed to take different medications that made me sick.

I had been through a lot in my life, I was the youngest of three and both my siblings abused me. I somehow learned to do whatever they asked and I hid and ran and suffered quietly. My two siblings hated each other, my older sister hated my brother from the time he came home with my mother, she even tried to kill him. Then when I came home with my mother as an infant, from then on I was this object between the two of them. I can remember how they both approached me sexually and I was way too young to understand what that meant, only that I didn't like it and it made me feel uncomfortable. I was afraid of both of them and I somehow knew that I couldn't tell. There was something wrong with my brother, I think it was ADHD because he was always running away and wouldn't pay attention and the answer was always the shed out back where we would hear him screaming. It got so bad that even my sister who hated him, yelled and stood in front of my father and said enough, hit me instead. And my mother was a loving mom and always tired and was always trying to give us love and there were lots of arguments over my brother. And somehow I knew that I couldnt tell how bad it was for me because I somehow knew that it would make even more trouble, even more danger. Now that I look back, I think I was right because back then they didn't know about ADHD and all the other things that are listed in these forums. My brother was so bad he stayed back two years in school. I was so confused I stayed back one year.
I remember spending time in the nurses office because that was the only place I could really sleep and feel safe. But I didn't realize that back then the way I see it today.

So my brother was just a year ahead of me in school and every single day treading behind him I saw nothing but abuse, the school bus was horrific and they were so mean to him.
He was yelled at all the time by the teachers, always in the principles office, and me, well, I was just deemed and issue or somehow useless because I was younger and related to him, even though I was never bad, just always very tired unhappyguy, I was always so tired, and troubled and confused and frightened. And I was painfully shy and I did feel like I didn't deserve friends and that I was somehow not good enough. And I didn't really know how to make friends and talk to them, there was always a part of me that wondered about that and also constantly wondered why everyone on the bus was so mean, I just couldn't understand it. And I always felt that if I was good that people would like me. And in some odd way I had to be good with my sister and brother and try to also be me somehow. And I did play by myself in my room alot and I always had those hooks and eyes on my bedroom door but that door had a lot of holes in it where the hooks and eyes were busted through by my brother. And there were lots of times that because my sister was older she wasn't home and my mother would be working for my father as a secretary and I would be left with my brother. And I was always afraid of those days. I ran alot and I had these huge pine trees that I would run to and climb way up to the top where my brother never found me. And it seemed like I sat there for so long until my mom got home and I was often cold. And I was always sick too, and I almost died of pneumonia because I didn't have time to be warm up that tree and now that I think of it I was always under so much stress and anxiety that my immune system was taxed. And I had trouble sleeping and I used to twist my hair in my sleep, it somehow relaxed me I guess. But the problem was, no one could comb my hair because it was all knots the next morning. I would twist it in my sleep and my mom would always yell at me to leave my hair alone but I didn't even know that I was doing it in my sleep. So, my mother took me to the hairdresser and cut my hair really short, a pixy they called it. And I hated that and it was so short that I could not twist it in my sleep. So, it was very hard to sleep, but I didn't realize it and that is when I started to end up in the nurses office. I was so young and there I was trying to budget that nurses office not too much, space it out, wait until I was just so very tired. Then I would have these headaches too, and I would go and visit that nurse and finally I would sleep behind a curtain with her on the other side, and no one could harm me, I was safe. I think about that now and what it meant, but I didn't understand it back then the way I do now, back then it was my secret way of getting safety and rest.

My mom was so loving and tried so hard, I just knew I could not tell, but there was that part of me that knew that if I really could not continue the silence, she loved me enough where I could tell. But I didn't want to hurt her, or put any more burden on her, because I knew she was always tired trying to care for the three of us, constantly dealing with my brother and arguing with my dad.

So I grew up feeling sorry for others and trying to manage and my desire was to do the best I could and hope the family would somehow be a kind of loving family. I didn't know what disfunction was, but I did know there was something wrong, and that I was somehow not worthy, that was the constant message. And my dad was always correcting me every time I spoke, wouldn't let me finish a sentence and my sister and brother would also cut me off, talking over me, ordering me, controlling me. And I have only just realized that recently. And my nick name was the grinder, and that is because for me to get anything I had to force my words and repeat my needs. I tried so hard to be tough in my way. And the one thing I really wanted was a pony, I had a collection of stuffed animals and dolls and all kinds of glass animals and I would put my breau against the door and play for hours in my room by myself with all my animals and dolls. And I spent hours with different themes, a circus I would make, or a big farm, or big town, I was so creative. And one day my mom and dad took me for a drive and blindfolded me and told me to reach out and I touched something warm and furry and that was going to save my sanity and be my best friend. It was a live pony named Brownie. It was the best thing my parents ever did for me. It made the bus more bearable and instead of climbing the tree I learned how to stay on the bucking pony and I would get home and off that bus, I would climb on his back and ride everywhere, and my brother and his issues were left at home.

And the good thing about that pony was that I could talk to him and he never cut me off or talked over me and he was warm and I could hug him and he was very friendly and he was a good boy and fun and it made me special because I was the only one on that bus who had a real live pony. And I would talk to him all the time about all my problems and I finally learned how to talk, at least to animals. And I also learned about how they do love you back because he knew who I was and he would winny to me.

Suddenly the terrible bus ride to school was more bearable, because I had a pony and I would climb that bus and I lived through my days because of the love of that pony. And I just kept thinking about getting through the days and that I could because at the end of the day, I would go home to my special friend. But what I never really recognized is that my brother and especially my sister were jealous. What I never realized is that as I grew and learned how to play the guitar and I sang and I was good at art, I had a sister who pretended she was happy for me, but was really very jealous.

When I finally got too big for that pony and had to sell him, being without him created such a void and again I had the trees and that nothingness. And my one constant request was for another pony bigger or a horse. And I waited for what seemed to be an eternity but I finally got another bigger pony and he bucked me off too but I trained him too and again he became wonderful too, his name was star. And I had him for a long time and I rode him in the parade and he was my world.

So my horses and ponies meant more to me than anyone could imagine. And I was always challenged and shy and frightened and controlled by my siblings, but at least I had one place that I could find warmth, and a way to talk and have the woods and even met other people that had horses and got to make a few friends, not many but a few. And the other thing I did was babysit so I could have money and I was a very good babysitter, and I didn't just watch the children. I would read to them, and entertain them with my singing and playing my guitar and I had children to talk to along with my pony. And the children never cut me off, always loved to see me, because I entertained them and paid attention to them, but in a small way, they taught me how to make friends and recover from a lot of the damage that was caused to me in my early years.

When it came to my teens and dating, I did like boys but I was also afraid of them too. And I was afraid of kissing or anything that involved something that could lead to anything sexual. So I was liking them and yet running at the same time. And then I always loved singing and when I got out of high school I took voice lessons and ended up being a lead singer in a band. But that brought about some challenges I wasn't ready for. I became a target and men were attracted to me but they were also very forward and I was somehow able to escape rape too many times. I was stalked and even the guys in the band were showing interest in me. I didn't have the skills to handle all of this attention. I got an offer from a producer that would send me to Berkly school of music and back me. But all I thought of is what did that man really want and how could I manage on a higher level where things could get worse. So I declined that offer and I even finally gave up the stage. But all that time, I didn't know my sister was jealous, I honestly didn't see it. My sister tried to take voice lessons too, but she just didn't have it.

I did meet one guy that was a son of one of my fathers richest clients. I went on a date with him and he made me a drink and I dont remember much, but it got me pregnant and I had to endure so much shame and a horrible experience and I couldn't tell because of who the boy was and I knew that it would be a bad situation so I just kept quiet and I had to endure that horrible experience without any pain medication or anesthesia and it was so painful and I guess to this day, even though I was only two weeks pregnant I feel like I took a life, did something bad. My parents just took me through that so quick I didn't have time to really think or really say what happened. And my dad was so disappointed in me and I just kept quiet.

After I gave up entertaining I still sang to myself, but I didn't want that world. But I did finally see Berkley school of music because a friend I had was going to Boston U and was dating a guy from Berkley.
And when I went there I ended up and a big loft and there were different students and guys that played instuments and jammed and it was different, very different creative atmosphere, I loved it and I thought that I could fit right in, it was full of creative people and they were just like me and I really fit in. I went home so excited because I loved the experience and I wasn't frightened and I told my mother and father I found what I wanted to do. My dad gave me his answer, he said, no, all you want to do is meet boys and chase boys. And I went up to my room and cryed and cryed because I saw my fate. And I became very depressed and I didn't want to do much at all. Before this happened I had a private art teacher and she told my parents I was very gifted and I should pursue that, I got accepted at Pair art school and I had been excited about that because I saw the artwork there and it was so exciting and I liked it so much, I like the people that were there too and even Mr Pair who interviewed me. But my dad would not let me go there because there was no liberal arts program and the school was not accredited even though it was one of the best schools in the country and turned out some important artists. But the answer was no to that, so this new no was a doorway to I guess a kind of depression. Because I slept alot and I was just so lost. And my dad kept pushing me and telling me to grow up and I couldn't spend my life in bed. And my mom found out about a secretarial school and suggested I do that. I agreed to do that because I didn't know what else to do and I was so lost. So I went to that school and I hated it, I didn't like the mindless girls that only talked about clothes, and shoes and boyfriends and most of my time there I had one friend that I commuted with and I was constantly hyperventalating and my friend had anxiety issues too because she would not eat any solids she felt like she was going to choke all the time. My friend had parent issues and we were quite a pair. I completed that school, but to be honest I don't know how, because I really hated it.

I finally met my husband and he was different than all the other guys. I used to scatch one after the other off my list because they all wanted the same thing and as soon as I made it clear the answer was no, they would just stop calling. But my husband didn't and he didn't pressure me and we became friends and I fell in love with that, he made me feel safe and he just never showed any signs of a kind of person that would abuse me in anyway. And I finally decided that this man would keep me safe, be my friend, be good father, and I didn't even care wether he was rich or not, I just loved the kind sole that crept into my heart.

So I married this man and it wasn't long before I was going to experience a different kind of abuse.
I married a binge alcoholic, and I lived a man that would drink and black out and making love was no longer making love, it was just to give in so I would not be up all night saying no. And then there were the appologies and I will stop and off and on and off and on, he would stop for while and then fall into it again. I never saw any of that when I dated him. And it took me a long time and by the time I found out what that meant I had a six year old child, yes, I was married to a binge alcoholic and it was my choking friend that showed me that because she was divorcing a worse alcoholic, so I went to an ala-non meeting and learned about the beast that lived in my marriage. And that beast was a long road of learning and being alone while my husband was all about him and recovery.

But I had bought a pony for my daughter and my husband was hardly ever home and that is when I started my little business with my daughter's pony. And I worked on my family and understanding and learning about alcoholism and trying hard to maintain a happy atmosphere for my daughter and I built up that business. So again a pony entered into my life and gave me direction. And with that we bought a dated 60's home on some land and slowly built a farm and an atmosphere where we could all grow up as a family. I had been told that my husband was the maturity level of about age 13 and in many ways I had two children. But with the help of one therapist I was taught not to let my husband push my buttons that would demand me to mother him. And I had an awful lot to learn and I was in so many ways very alone because when other mothers found out because I thought I could confide my fears in one person I thought was a friend. Well that person had a big mouth and I had no friends, lost my girlscout troop and I was pretty much a parria of somekind. And I had to find ways to keep my daughter busy and somehow have it not effect her. And my daughter took to horses and riding and competeing and that atmosphere and my business kept her very busy and it was a healthy outlet for her. And I worked very hard at all of it and there were many challenges and some pretty creepy people in that world too, another novel. But it worked it all worked. Until, in the night while I was sleeping, it was destroyed.

All of that was the straw that broke me. I was probably suffering from PTSD for many years. But I always found my way. I had formed many grounding methods, ways of dealing and I never knew what grounding methods were, I just kept thinking I was coping and working my way through life. But now I have been dealing with a terrible beast that is crippling me and I am remembering things in flashbacks and I have not been able to do many of my old grounding methods, because now I know that they are all attached to some very painful memories. I wish I didn't know that. I have been trying to understand this beast that is so strong for many months now. I find it very hard to believe that this beast called PTSD was growing in me all my life. I was a very strong person and I did many good things, I really thought I coped. And I have a jealous sister who was there at the psychward and she yelled at me and told me that I better get with the program and it was all my fault. I was in shock at that psychward. I heard the word PTSD but I didn't understand the depths of how bad it was going to become so predominant in me.

I understand that feeling of wanting to give up. I understand unhappyguy, how you would say that somehow you feel too damaged and you think about just going to some place where you could give up.
I had a really bad week and I have been battling in a lawsuit, lost most of my business, many years of hard work, now have bad credit, an attorney that is old and forgetful, a sister that wants everyone to think I am crazy because my parents are old and she wants control over their health, money or whatever.
And I have medical records that are wrong because my sister told the psychward I was narcissistic and they wrote that down, and a therapist that didn't believe the value of horses could be so much so she wrote down Cluster B traits, (illusions of grandeur) and I tried to talk about my brother and my life to explain how I would say the words that were SI because I lost so much and could not mentally or physically take any more.

My life has become such a mess and my sister is taking over and shes been very mean. And the past week she left messages ordering me and then she told me she was in charge of my mothers money and she wont let me talk, she just cuts me off. I can't tell my parents that I need help, I have been trying to get therapy, I should have more therapy, I can't pay my bills and I have been trying to hold as much together as I can. But I have am very crippled many days and I come here and I try to do what ever I can to get strength. But I have to admit that it got so bad with my sister and I don't want to answer my phone and yesterday I ended up sitting in a closet because I need a break so bad and I am very tired and I dont really know what to do. I feel ashamed that I cannot seem to overcome this beast that can be so crippling, if only I could get the time out that I need. And it is very hard to tell others what this PTSD really means, and it is very hard to understand it myself.

Unhappyguy, yes I know what you are saying. It is very hard. But I am trying like you, don't give up.
We have to keep trying because if we keep trying we will encourage therapists and others to pay attention and keep trying to help us. I know that somewhere inside me there must be a way beyond this. I was gaining but I am now struggling, and often I hang by a thread, yes those days are very hard.
I wrote this down so you could see that your not alone in struggling. I know how you feel, but somehow we have to keep trying. And here are there are others in here too and they have therapists too and they answer some of my threads and I think about what they say and it is sometimes a lifeline of how to think my way through this. I am not alone, your not alone, I sometimes just go from one day to the next and I keep thinking about the different little lifelines that I could use. You deserve to have a life, I deserved to have a life, your a good person, I am a good person, so we have to keep trying, yes its very hard.
I am just saying, don't give up, keep trying, I am trying too.

Open Eyes