Hey All- IDK- I guess an update----I sort of have been taking steps backwards as I do around this time in the fall to winter to some degree- But it just has been worse this year. This week so much, seems like I am trying to pick fights with my boyfriend.. ugh- I stabbed a box I was cutting with a knife cuz I could not find scissors then I cut the box wrong to not how I wanted to cut it (this was a home project). Then work- omg-- I lost it the other night at work and kicked a door and think I broke that top hinge thingy on a door due to pulling it shut very hard and hitting doors as well- then screaming out side- I felt like breaking windows at work, i almost picked up rocks outside, but I came back in side and paced in the hallway trying to keep out of site of people I don't usually get this rage, well I get rage, but to act out on it, is not my usual unless under a lot of stress - I just lost it to a degree to which I gained back before doing something so stupid- had so many thoughts with self harm, suicide, homicide and that everyone is against me the other night, self harm and suicide this past week as well - too much going on with my personal life, too much work stress, co-workers' making fabrications of sorts (even if they did not mean to they kicked me while i was down as I see it with their misinformation they provided), other coworkers just misunderstanding things and I getting ragged on in a way-- I feel like i am the problem, I had about a half hour conversation with my supervisor Thursday morning after my rage on Wed/Thurs shift (night worker) and she assures me it is not me... to try not to let others get to me and she understands my frustration with some things I don't know some times if she is just being nice or if telling the truth...I know i have not fully came out and said I have some thing "wrong with me" to my supervisor- though I think she knows cuz we have worked with each other for about 5 years now at one time daily with one another. I know she has seen my mood swings. She has suggested like herbal remedies for anxiety to me as well at some points (lol)

My boyfriend, he is loving. We got into a bickering like Monday or Tuesday night about something so stupid and I was over thinking on everything- I told him that i did not want to be told I was "right" but just to have some understanding on where i am coming from what I see through my eyes. The next day we talked and he explained he saw understood my side and had changed what we were bickering over (it was the new home computer profile(s) there were two and the passwords he never gave me). After words idk how I feel, I feel I am suppose to feel that I over reacted (i feel to a point perhaps due to I felt like hurting me- but another side of me feels not the whole thing was over reacting).

Trying to keep my head up- see my t on Monday hopefully if I can get a ride, I am not sure what to tell her though- I always tell her I am fine we talk about things bothering me, or my flight thoughts (i mean flight in this way of leaving).. which when we talk in session it is like she is already telling me things that I know, that I try, that i think of- however i result in the same hole that I keep trying to get out of- some days I get out of and brush my self off, other days not so much, but the problem with me is some how i keep getting back in the hole. why cant i stay out?

I read the 10 things not to say to a depressed person, lol- i laugh cuz I have been told most of them and I have felt worse after words....

I keep telling myself that i am not depressed, but I have been agitated, I am getting a bit confrontational as well with others I realize, been sad, mad, but yet happy at times too... IDK i just don't like this swinging around... I especially don't like that i got so mad last night that I could have done something that would had been very bad, and that my head has hurt for almost this whole week, my brain has that awful feeling of "bleeding" even though it is not....

also- I dont know if it in coorilation with bipolar or not- but like a few days this last week I basically did not eat anything or ate very little, some times when I ate i felt nauseous, then Thursday it was like I could not stop stuffing my face...

I also felt like doing an art project but yet had no actual motivation to do it. which sucks
Sleep is off and on- i will be up forever one day, then sleep 10-12 hours another, then only sleep 4 hours or less and get up and be up, then take a nap.. It's like my self does not know what stage it is in.. blah