I love how hard you are working. I hope somedays you'll use the fact that she adores you to even consider motivating yourself to be even better than usual. She may see who you really are but she has no clue was BPD is or anything else that you are feeling and thinking. In my opinion, that's a good thing because you can continue to pretend you have it all together. If you're her protector and you're panicking, imagine how much panic she will feel. I guess I am saying to consider "faking it until you can make it" real improvement. She loves and needs you and I know you can do it!!! She's there because it was pre-ordained in the stars. She is your motivating angel to become your best.