I'm pushing forty now and it keeps coming back, this oppressive emptiness. I don't know what it is. I spend time with people and don't connect, I pretend to be interested, to keep them animated, keep them talking, keep things away from me, the empty, anything to not think or feel or get bored. Drinking doesn't numb it, just makes it stronger. I have no purpose, I feel unfulfilled, I feel like I don't fulfill a role in society, I have no one close to me, alien from family, people just seem strange and unreachable. I can't seem to be interested in anything, I'm not good at anything, memories and information I try to remember just slips theough my fingers. Half the time I feel like some preteen girl who never grew her emotions past grade school. I'm numb. I cry over something like a school girl.

I don't understand. Why can't I connect?

What is wrong with me?