canuck1971,

I can see what your saying here in efforts to ask why you cant get over the ex experiences. But I am wondering if there may be something before that, a way that you learned to deal with controlling people or abusive behaviors towards you that your not aware of.

I am struggling too and also wondering why I can't just seem to shake this condition and be my old self. And people around me want me to be my old self. But what I am realizing is that people around me thought I was much stronger, smarter, even manipulative than I really was.

In my life, I grew up in a disfunctional family with abusive siblings, I was the youngest and I had developed coping methods of hiding my fears and confusion, I had developed methods that I really was not aware of. I thought that it was important to try to see the issues of others and work around them, that I had to learn how to function in disfunction, for example these people are this and that, so I have to just accept it and try to be me somehow.

But as I have been becoming more and more aware of PTSD and the crippling effects of it, I am also becoming more and more aware of the fact that while I did my best to work around the issues of others, it was, infact damaging me.

My therapist proposed a question in our last session about how I could change. And I really have been struggling with that question. Because, I have been doing a lot of talking in our sessions up until this point. And I have been coming to PC and trying to figure out what I do that causes me to be misunderstood, as well as seeing different reactions that trigger me, triggers I was not really aware of, even knowing that triggers exist.

Well, I have a lot of triggers that have accumulated over the years. And even though I did my best to be strong, I was actually being psychologically injured and though I thought I coped and perservered, I really didn't, I just absorbed the various abuses into some kind of secret stash in my brain. And now I am truely seeing the damage for the first time in my life. I am also seeing how it accumulated into this thing called PTSD that has actually been growing inside my brain over many years. I had no idea this was taking place.

When I think of the word catastrophizing and how it connects with PTSD, one of the things that I find is not that I was assuming experiences were worse than they were, it was that I often held back in disbelief, keeping myself in check and only finally recognizing it was actually not only as bad as I had thought or suspected, but worse.

Even the damage that occured with my horses/ponies from my neighbor's dog.
It just kept coming and all that time I didn't allow myself to see how bad it really was, but somehow it was in my subconscious I guess. And I had to wait until I could get to a point where I could actually sit and look at all the damage and see the time line and what it all ment. It was much worse than I thought, and yet I knew enough to sit and allow myself to see the truth. And as it all came together, I have to say, it was very, very hard to see and allow myself to see how it all started and that I had caught glimpses of something that was much worse than I could have imagined. And even then I just sat with it and tryed to understand why things happened on certain nights. And as I saw it clearly on paper and damages showing up, I just couldn't figure out why those nights. Well, my neighbor approached me in anger and without realizing it, he explained it. And what it meant is that they were fiddling with the fence and those nights they saw it wasn't working. And it was really hard for me to know that they knew what their dog was doing before it became obvious to me.

What I have recognized about my past and me is that because I experienced abuse and I actually had to learn how to recognize signs of oncoming situations of danger and abuse, I have actually developed a sense that is more intune than the average person. I subconsciously and even a bit consciously am aware of conditions where people or situations are becoming a threat, or someone is actually hiding something damaging, that I am somewhat hypersensitive, almost like a extra sensory perception. And it has nothing to do with being delusional or imagining the worst or even expecting the worst. I actually consciously keep myself in check almost saying to myself, don't over react, go easy wait and see, let more come forward, don't just assume, even if your feeling something is wrong. And to be honest, I am extremely surprised to find out how correct I was in sensing. I was way ahead of other people around me that just didn't see it coming. And if I did speak up too soon, other people would constantly tell me I was over reacting or too suspicious or dramatizing something insignificant. So there was a constant reaction of disbelief from others.

And what I have found constantly in my life, over and over, is that my suspicions were always correct and basically I had to see things get to that obvious point where the damage was done and very apparent for others around me to see it too. And even then, people around me in my life would continue to see that I was right but still continued to not believe me. There is an old tale called the curse of Casandra, in which a woman was given the gift of seeing the future, but the curse was that no one would believe her and she would have to see over and over the consequences even though she tried to help others see or give warning. And I would have to say, that is a very real fact in my life. And I have never figured out how to fend off these situations that come to present a bad outcome. Occasionally I have been able to prevent abuse or a bad thing from happening, by calling it out, but not always. Most of the time I am not believed even though I am speaking a reality. Even when I was very ill and actually dieing I was not believed, and many other times when I was really ill, and denied until I could prove it.

Even with this lawyer situation, I knew something wasn't right, no one believed me, until now where it is very obvious. And to be honest, I don't even want to believe it, how can it be good for me to have these senses and yet not truely know how to always fend off the bad results. And to be honest, as they present themselves, I have difficulty believing it myself and constantly say, oh, it can't be that bad, must be me. It is an awful thing to have and it has somehow become so sensitive that now, I am not just having a subconscious thought or bewareness, I am having horrific anxiety and full body awareness. And I think it was always there, only I somehow managed it and now the cat is out of the bag somehow, or it is just too strong or my conscious self is more aware than ever before. I am not really sure.

I know this sounds like I am crazy, or hypervigillant or catastrophizing or whatever delusional way things appear. And, I have been cautious of that as well, but what I experience is real. And here is an example, I talked about a neighborhood party that I didn't go to and it was unusual to me that it took place because I don't live in that kind of neighborhood where one would expect this to take place. That night I was worried about my horses and ponies and perhaps something happening, but I stopped myself and said to myself, look, your just being hypervigilant, just check and make sure they are all secure and locked in their paddocks and stay up if you want to but try to relax, don't think something bad is going to happen. Fight that feeling, don't give in, its just your imagination, don't give in. And the next morning someone let a pony loose and there was no way he could have gotten loose. He never did it before and his paddock was secured. So seeing that blew my mind. I am fighting my own sense of telling me something bad was coming. I have a disorder that has a sense of hypervigilance to it, I am trying to work my way through it yet I am also kind of fighting my sense that is real, a real warning. And this happens to me a lot. As soon as I let myself let go, I see my sense was right. I actually find it pretty mind boggling.

It took me a while to get to a point where I could go and visit my mom without getting overwhelmed with emotion because I am struggling and I don't want her to see it especially since my sister is telling everyone I am crazy, she has no clue, and she is the know it all. And I had really worked on building strength. And the back of my mind was telling me that if I went to see her I could get some back lash from it somehow. But I wanted to change that and just say to myself that I had to just be strong and just do it. And unfortunately as much as we enjoyed out visit, my sister came out of the woodwork with nasty condescending messages and lectures on my answering machine and then I happened to pick up the phone because I was waiting for a customer to call me back and there was my sisters voice setting me up, saying there was a big change, me thinking my mother had a worse health situation, only to hear my sister tell me that she was controlling my mother's finances etc. Ok, so I know my sister has taken steps to make sure she has control. But I also know that my mother reacts poorly to this control and retreats and even pretends she is worse than she is. My mother is herself around me, because I am no threat to her, don't want to control her, and I see how she is with my sister, shuts down to avoid the control. She even admitted to me that my sister exhausts her.

And then I had to process that, yes I had worried about something bad coming from my visit with my mother, but it was going to be worse than I thought. And then my daughter started in trying to control the insurance on her horse and I could see how she is trying to get him completely in her name because he is a big part of the lawsuit money wise. I don't want to see the reality my antena is seeing, but, it got ugly and because she didn't get her way around me, I never got a call from her on my birthday, and I can see the holidays coming and how I will be punished and shunned. And my husband finally sees it too. And to be honest, I don't want to see it anymore, that is not the daughter I raised and I know that my sister has poisened my daughter and how she views me. And I don't have the strength to fight back, because I am suffering from PTSD and my sister really triggers me and that goes all the way back.

I think it is awful, people in my life think I am some kind of power house, or much smarter than I am, yes they saw me deal with a lot of bad things and I tried very hard to hide how much I was frightened and hurting. So they think I am much stronger than I am and they cannot see the real damage, this PTSD that really cripples me. No, I cannot be who I was, because that person held too much in, and I didn't realize how much damage it was causing. Change? Yes I have to change something, how I react, I am not sure what to change. I can't change what I see ahead of what others see. I already know that I am not imagining it. I wish I was imagining it, I could change that I think. And I also see how my old me gave in to the issues of others and just worked around them, has now given some a sense of more control over me and they are demanding I give in, only they are going too far. They are hoping my kindness will make me weak allowing them to control. Yes, I am kind, but I am not stupid.

I see how far back it all goes and how it formed and how it damaged me and how it dripped over the edges of my trying to deal the best I could. But I have also had therapists tell me that I have a very good understanding of the way people are and that I should be a therapist. So, it isn't just me or my imagination, I do see a lot, perhaps more than others can somehow see, I don't know, I did pay attention and tryed to see beyond the people who were abusive or disfunctional. I may not have had the names or disorders given here, but I was very accurate at how I described the inabilities of others. And to be honest, unexpectedly, as I was working on addressing myself, I have been so surprised at finding the name of disorders that I had described in family members. I had described their symptoms or inabilites so well, but here I see named disorders for what I had described years ago, I would say at least 20 years ago. I was told by a husband wife psychiatrist and therapist I should be a therapist. So I did see patterns and they were amazed that I had defined the reasons, as they said, most people don't see that.

I think PTSD is a very difficut disorder, I think that some people do catastrophize and have to learn how to find ways to calm down. However some may have just formed a very sensitive way of seeing realities that others don't see too. I don't think it is just about addressing the bad things that have happened, I think that maybe it is really looking at where it really comes from and something very sensitive is created. It may be called hypervigillance, but that hypervigillance may have created an extra sense that is real, something where the brain becomes more capable of picking up on real dangers that may have gone unnoticed by others and even ourselves in the past.

I have memories of abuse and struggles that frightened me in my past, they are memories that are not only in my subconscious or where ever it is stored in my brain, but these memories are also in my body too. I don't just suspect or think something, I feel it too. But what I do know is I am not imagining anything, if that were the case I could work on controlling that as I mentioned. I sure would like to know what has changed or developed in my brain over the years where I have developed this extreme sensitivity, not to things that are imaginary, but things that are real.

I don't know if I am making any sense and I am not saying I am gifted or smarter or special or above or beyond. I am actually struggling and I would like to shut it off somehow. I just see too much now, and I don't like what I see. And it is not delusional, I actually could not have imagined the reality that is presenting itself. I would like to see some kind of image of my brain and how it might different from and average brain, what did happen, how do I seem to pick up on so much?

Yes, I do know that once someone has been abused, they are very sensitive and can even feel very unsafe, I am way beyond that, that was my childhood. And I can see how it can create a hypervigiance in someone too, yes I had that too, when I was real young. But somehow I learned how to sense things and it isnt imagined, not delusional, not intended, it is just there and I often try to fight it too. And I know that abuse does cause people to become more nervous and more aware of triggers, triggers that may not be consciously known. I feel things so far in advance, I am just wondering if that is just from having to be so aware at such a young age. I honestly wonder how that effects the brain, if the brain developes that extra sense that I seem to have.

My husband told me today that I AM different. He told me that where other people don't see the abuser for what they are or they don't know how to walk away, instead they just keep going back and allowing to be controlled. He actually pointed that out about some of the people that just went to that neighborhood party. He said they go back, where I wont go back. And they come to me and tell me things they see that bother them, because they know I will stand up and give voice so they can have their problems with seeing abuse resolved and they didn't have to be the ones to speak up so they can as he put it, "have their cake and eat it too".

Even my attorney, who knows he has made mistakes, he will appologize to my husband but not me, he knows I know his errors. Even my own daughter does that, she knows she can't fool me, so she trys to go to my husband, only I have wised up my husband and he doesn't give in either.

I guess I am just more aware than the average person, somehow I have a radar that I have developed over the years unknowingly. But now it is more than just an antena, it is or has formed very strong PTSD.
Yes I sense it, but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can be or use others or play mind games. I see it, but it is not the way I think, maybe that is why it hurts so much. I don't want to see it anymore, it is so disappointing and it hurts, and yes, people lie and don't care.

Open Eyes