I keep picturing an 8 yr old girl who is heartbroken that her dad left her and is disappointed that he keeps missing and messing up the visitation schedule. Did something like that happen to you IRL? Because if it did, it would explain why you this irregular schedule would have such a hold on you, and perhaps also on your T. A more stable T situation might seem duller by comparison, like the healthy r/s with a nice guy vs the "exciting" one with the bad boy.