Miss Abuser

*faces mirror - Yes I am addressing You.*

You are frustrating. It is another day of fear. Not going to class - haven't gone all week and not sure if i can go back. Still hating being surrounded by fighting and tension, but you are worse. Twitchy and anxious with impulses, ideas, dreams, thoughts. Can’t go to work either. You are smothered with food and layered and covered with clothes. You are rarely soothed by tears and keep to yourself – except for the occasional breakdown, which leave witnesses nearby wondering WTF is happening.

I hate me. The shame mixes with the self-hatred. The guilt is magnified by all of the actions and inactions. I am disgusted and disturbed at how far you go – physically, mentally, and completely. And I am not progressing at all.

You have learned from them all. You’ve taken it all in well. You remember all of the condemnation and violence, and swirl it together with negativity and sadness. You could be carrying out ant following through with plans to clean up more. Apologize more. Confirm final arrangements. Before I just go. But you get distracted. A pimple. A papercut. I need to wash my hair. Eating/drinking/eliminating/sleeping. You are unfocused on top of everything else.

I cannot separate and/or compartmentalize. I am not divided into different parts. All of me has just taken too much in. At the very least, I am just a glob of awful hopeless mush. Seriously, at the end of the day, there is really no one else to blame. It is why I am afraid of relationships and connections. It is why I am afraid of ever being a parent. It is why I doubt myself with everything, everyone, everywhere. I am flawed and a fraud. I am horrible and cruel. I am notablackbarbie and am abusive. To me. I am vicious and sick. I am destructive, vile, and insane. Because really, does ^this^ - or the rest of me as this grotesque f***ed up freak - make any sence...

SO…how does abuse stop? Besides time passing by and therapy and minor circumstances changing, how can all of this trauma stop? In what way can I separate, "get over myself”, be different, be better, then all of the mess and badness and pain when it is all together as me…?

Sincerely...