Yeah, I would say that the negative feelings were always here but I had them all nicely filed away in my subconscious... I was a huuuuge intellectualization person. The effects were a lot less painful than now (but ofcourse not dealt with) and were probably the cause of my 19 year severe depression. But to get rid of the depression I have to "deal with" these feelings, which apparently means wallow in them until i become numb to them. I think that is the general idea from what I can gather.

My boyfriend isnt threatening to leave, I am just treating him like the scum of the earth because quite frankly, in this mood, I wish everyone was dead. With a lot of pain and suffering thrown in there. lol.. sounds horrible.

How long (if you dont mind me asking) did you have to wallow in your feelings until you became numb to them? I don't mean specifics.. I mean was it months, or years or decades? And how did you deal with the urge to just grab a knife and go at the next person walking down the street (or something of this nature - that is probably unique to my specific situation lol). I have been sleepnig as much as possible but I can only manage about 18 hours a day.... its those other few hours that I cant sleep, that I sit here festering and boiling and fuming, and it seems to be getting worse each day.