Hey Anne,

No, no..not bs in any way. That is what my T and I have been trying to do. He's been trying to coach me through the feelings and to stand up for myself and tell him how he is shaming me or what things make me uncomfortable. This has been very hard for me to do. Unfortunately I was very honest and open and vulnerable thinking he was safe because he was a T. Then realized he was not safe for me. As I began to say things he was terribly defensive or angry and would stop and turn on me.

For instance, he thought I made a comment that was very self-judgemental..about another girl in group being able to slow her thoughts down. I said no, it was more like a dream or a wish like this girl in a book he had me reading...I wish I could learn the buddhist techniques like her and slow my thoughts like her because mine never stop and go so fast. He stopped the discussion. Backed up. Frowned and then angrily asked me how he was supposed to help me. Like I had slapped him because I had disagreed with him?

Another time I said that my regular T had me do an assignment about emotions, and it seemed to show that I had a lot of fear and shame... He said yes, those seem to be strong emotions for me. Do you feel those in here. I was already teary-eyed. But answered honesty. Yes. He said, "well that makes me feel very bad and sad." I started really crying and apologized for making him feel bad. And he's like, "You told me to be honest with you"...like snidely. Yes, I had asked him to be honest with me. I didn't think he'd shame me with it. Instead of having a real discussion about why I feel afraid or ashamed...he stopped it with a guilt trip on me.

When I dissociated last week, instead of trying to connect with me or talk to me...he rolled AWAY from me over to his desk and got his phone to start chiming and started yelling at me and demanding that I return to the room/body. Scared the crap out of me and felt totally unsafe and body was vulnerable and went further away from my body than I ever have. It still freezes my heart to think of it. I can't think of almost anything scarier than him demanding that I look him in the eye and yelling at me when I was so intensly vulnerable.

I've been going over my discussions with him and my T keeps saying ok, well this is probably WHY he reacts this way..and I'm like ok..but it hurts me..and he's like yeah, it wasn't the right response for you. And finally I just said...I can't take it anymore...he makes my skin crawl and the religious paintings on the walls scare me, and I want someone who KNOWS how to respond to me already! I made the mistake assuming that a T would be safe and told him lots of stuff and answered everything very honestly..so I am very vulnerable to him....but when Thursday morning he again turned on me when I tried to talk to him...and angrily said "What do YOU think we should talk about.." and later again, "How do YOU think is should help you?"...I just broke inside...I don't know. He scared me and I just sat there and stared..and cried. His frustration is palpable. I cannot STAND to be yelled at/scathed at by men...been there done that have the T shirt. I just cannot do this in a safe zone.

So yes, I've been working very hard to try and stand up for myself and be patient and kind and do what T told me to try..but it's not working, and I'm not good with people, and I don't fit in or know what to do. I'm confused, and it hurts, and he scares me. I could never imagine him ever touching me or holding his fingers to connect like I do with T when I'm afraid. I'm trying honestly and trying even now to see if I can make myself continue...I just don't know. I don't hate him or anything..I just don't want to be vulnerable to him anymore. Does any of this make sense???? I sound like such a mouse and you are a lioness against all those judges and prosecutors and such...probably need to come and steep in your aura for a while lol.

Hugs and thanks for writing..

Wysteria Blue