I didnt find your post disorganized or disconnected at all. You were describing my life as well. But I didnt get diagnosed until my 30's and I spent so much time reflcting back unto my childhood looking at all the time lost to this illness. I didnt really get treatment until my late forties after a major nervous breakdown. One of the things that stood out for me was my T kinda stopping once mid sentence and just emphasizing his question, "do you have no joy in your life? Have you ever experienced joy?" and i just cried because i didnt know joy. i didnt know how to find joy or create joy. so i know what you are talking about. i have made that a mission over the last few years to find joy. meds and therapy have vastly improved my life. i got my degree and working in a job that i love and life is so much different that i ever thought it could be. the many many years i tried to fight bipolar without meds and failed, all the time i felt cursed and hopeless and suicidal, i wasted. finally finding the right meds worked and freed me. there is hope for a normal life.