Reading your post, I can relate a lot. Having been in the psych hospital 9 times, I know how it feels to think things are finally going well, and then it comes crashing down. It's damn frustrating! For me, personally, (and for most people with Bipolar, I believe) medication is an important part of my recovery, along with therapy. I have never personally heard of anyone with Bipolar maintaining balance without the help of medications. That being said, if you've made up your mind about meds, then that's OK. It's your personal choice. I understand how frustrating it can be to try combo after combo, often making things worse.

Are you willing to try therapy? I know you say "PHDs, keep your distance"...does that include therapists? (Many therapists don't have their PHDs, actually!)

Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk to? A family member, friend, partner? Or maybe even just writing out how you're feeling...sorry if these sound like lame suggestions, I just want to get my thoughts out there.

I'm sorry you're in this place right now, because I've been there and I know how bad it feels. I hope you are able to find something that works for you, to achieve the balance you want and deserve.