Hi everyone. I'm very confussed and i feel so alone yet my perfect child sleeps in the room next to me and my wonderful loving husband trys to cuddle and tell me he loves me and asks me what is wrong... He is so frustrated that I don't "talk" to him but the truth is I'm not really sure myself.

When I was a teen I had a battle with depression. I was hopolized b/c I tried sucide well I didn't really try but I thought about it fanatizied about it more or less. My family found a my posts on a site much like this one and had me admitted 1 week after my 18th birthday. by this time I had found comfort in cutting myself and digging my nails in my arm when I coudln't find a razor blade. I look at my scars now almost 15 year later and in my right mind I think what on earth were you thinking Jessi and in my current state I think GOD I JUST WANT IT TO BLEED OUT. Anyway in the end I was said to be uni polar no manic states.

Depression comes and goes and is very alive in me during the winter months. About 2 years ago I was unemployeed and I had an anxiouity attact after a interview all I wanted to do was cry and panic to the point that I coudln't breath and I thought I was going to pass out. Last year on my son's birthday I compleatly lost it. I was so excited he was 4! YEAH MY BIG BOY. then the feeling of oh no set in. I lost it Don't really remember a whole lot maybe I blocked it out all I do remember is my husband being a mess with worry called my sister who lives 30 mins away to come "help" me at like 2 AM. Now the current state of mind. the reason I think this may be the place for me. and maybe not I'm no Dr. This past week I have not been tired I just can't fall asleep. my mind is racing we have been taking my son to kindergarden classes to get thim ready to start in August I've been so excited practicing flash cards with him and reading to him. Saturday morning I woke up and my husband and I made love. We went to Vince's soccer game and had a blast. I was overly excited and can't wait to coach next season and have a bunch of 4 and 5 year old doing everything I tell them to. I ran around the feild like I was one of the kids. After the game we stayed and talk to another couple and started plaing our spring soccer season. I want to be involved I need to be needed. normal excitement I thought. Keith and I had planed to run to some stores to get some idea for Christmas the dredded season of the year. Well we never made it out of the house. I went upstairs and yelled at my husband that I always have to do everything can't he get the kid dressed how about making him something to eat and i truned into she devil. I just all of a sudden had this need to clean I had to have everything looking perfect It had to be in the right spot when I got no help or support from my husband I started to throw things away I even pushed my steam cleaner down the basemant stepst. Keith asked what is wrong with you and I said I don't know just leave me alone and this isn't one of that moments where i say leave me alone and I mean come hold me. I ran to my room and locked myself in. Keith pounded on to the door for me to let him in. I just needed to get away I needed to be alone. the Window I thought. I opened it I crawled out it and I sat on the roof. and I thought about I wonder if I could fly. I thought this is stupid what am I doing it is cold i'm in my bear feet and of course I can't fly. I went back inside. still in a state of rage. I started yelling for no reason and tried to pull my own hair out. I rolled around on my bed like I was possesed. I started to cry and just kept telling myself this isn't me stop it stop it stop it stop it but I coudln't I just coudln't controll myself. I have to say this is the worse I have ever been. He went to grab me and pushed me on the steps it hurt and I cried.this made me more upset I yelled leave me along leave me alone just go just go he had this rage in his eyes I have never seen. I said go ahead and hit me give me a reason to hit you back. my husband finally pissed that I locked myself in our room and was yelling for no reason broke down our door. grabbed me and threw me on the bed I went to retaliate and left several scratches on his face and neck and ripped his shirt. I finally broke loose got up and ran up to the bathroom when I crawled in the tub and creid. all the while asking myself why am I crying why am I so upset. From behind that locked door I could hear a small scared voice saying mommy are you ok why are you crying mommy I'll make you feel better and he drew a picture of our family. my husband, myself, him, and our dog. with rage I cut myself out of the photo and told my husband I never wanted him. I never wanted kids. (which is true but being a mom I would never trade it for anything.) That Vince was HIS son not mine. I said evil thing about my 4 year old. his is just a baby how could I do this. Then the door bell rang it was my step mom she showed up out of the blue. She wanted to take us to dinner. As my son told her that mommy and daddy were getting unmarried. we blew it off and I put on a happy face and went along. When I got home I locked myself back in the bathroom. Keith knocked on the door asking if we were playing this "game" again. A game? A game really this was my life my thought my feelings not some game to me. but I couldn't tell him his. I finally emerged from the bathroom after all the tub was cold and not comffy at all. I went to my room remembering that I can't lock myself in there. then I thought if I push our king sized ben in front of the door he wont be able to get in. That is just what I did. He ended up sleeping on the sofa me in our bed alone. just the way I felt alone. By this time I wanted a hug but I felt like such a bad person that I ddin't deserve it. I didn't deserve love and affection. I was a bad person and I eneded to be punished. Well no one was punishing me but me. I did fall asleep early but then woke up and coudn't fall back to sleep. Remembering I was alone in my room I peeked out got our black lab and had her come sleep with me. in the morning my husband came in to wake me up and ask me how my night was he was sweet and caring I was tired and depressed. I told him to leave me alone and don't come back. I called our son his son and told him i didn't want to see him. My husband has been down this "depressed" road with me before and he left me alone but came back about every hour to see if I felt better and was ready to get out of bed. I didn't get out of bed till my lab was prancing around the room she had to go potty I had to get out of bed to put her in the yard. Keith asked if I'm going to stay up with them if I wanted something to eat. Did I want to watch something on TV with them. My answer was no and I crawled back in my bed. I did finally get the energy to get out of bed and I did go downstairs to spend some time with my family but I still didn't feel "right" I felt guilty and anxous. I was not comfortable. My husband tried to give me the space I was demanding yet still trying to let me know he was there. he kept asking me what happened yesterday. Why were you so upset. I didn't have an answer for him. He kissed me softley on my forhead and said he was going to bed. good night I love you. I stayed on the sofa watching TV. He asked me if I would dress Vince for bed. I said yes. When I did finally go upstairs I found vince crawled up on his bed fast asleep in his clothes. I woke him up took off his shirt and told him to go in and go potty. when he didn't return I figured he crawled in bed with keith. but no vince. and he wasn't in the bathroom. I ran downstairs wondering where is my kid. I found him on the sofa in the spot I was laying. He told me he wanted to sit in my spot he wanted to be with me. I picked him up and said oh baby lets get you to bed. I walked him up to his bed helpped him dress in his PJs and layed in his bed with him. he crawled up close and I said I love you baby. I'm sorry I'm such a bad mommy. I thought he was asleep but he said mommy i love you too your not bad. I kissed his little head and asked him if he would draw a picture of our family in the morning he said yes mommy. and gave me a squeeze. I stayed with him till he was asleep. I peeked in on my husband he will sleep better tonight in our bed thinking I will be in soon. Truth is I don't know if it is my turn for the sofa of If i will crawl in our bed. I figured I would play on the computer for a while before bed. That was almost a hour ago when I found this spot and I have been typing ever since. All the while I'm spirling out of controll the last few days I keep telling myself "get it together" "you need to go see a dr" "you need to go back on meds" "This is not you you need help" but I just can't say it out loud.... So My name is Jessi and I know I'm depressed. don't know if I'm uni or bi (polar that is) but I am depressed...

Sorry for the spelling I'm not that good and my typing may be bad I just went to town...