I haven't done something like this before, so this is a little hard to write. It might end up long, so please stay with me.

There are many times when I think I'm unworthy. Unworthy of things like being around others, or actually existing. It just feels like I don't serve much of a purpose. I don't have many friends, but that's understandable because I don't comprehend how anyone could sincerely like me. Many of my so-called friends I have heard talking about me behind my back and saying really mean things about me.

When I was a bit younger I was often verbally (and sometimes physically) picked on. Many of my classmates used to call me names and things like 'dumb', 'poor', 'ugly'. More than once I was tripped. And a group of them tried to shove me into a trashcan. One girl once told me that no one wanted to be around me, so there is no sense in me trying to socialise. The verbal abuse still is there, and I deal with it everyday I go to school.

The thing is... many of them call me 'brilliant' when I'm not even close. I have to study for hours and hours just to get a reasonable grade. I have to repeat things over and over again so I can half-memorize it. There's one girl in my class that has so much potential, that I know exceeds mine. But she doesn't take advantage of it. She tells me that for most tests, she only studies one day before, and yet she achieves B minuses all the way up to A's and sometimes A pluses. I'm hated because I do my best.

I don't like the fact that others think I'm just a source for homework help. Almost everyone 'likes' me merely for the fact that I can help them with lessons they don't understand. Once when we got the results for a dictation test, a girl asked me what I achieved. I told her, ''9.5/10''. She wasn't late to practically make an announcement for the whole class that ''(I) didn't get a full mark on the test! Can you believe it?'' If someone gets a grade higher than mine, they're always bragging, ''Hey! I got a better mark than she did! Would you imagine that?'' I try to ignore them, but it really hurts.

The worst part is, it's not only the students. Once the teacher was telling us our marks on a science test. She told me I got a 14/15. That's an O.K. grade to me. But I was crushed when she said in front of the entire class, ''What happened to you?'' I get picked on if I get good grades. I get picked on if I don't get good grades. What's someone supposed to do?

Sometimes when the teacher says ''Only a few of you have gotten good grades on this test'', I hear a loud, ''For sure, (my name) got a full grade.'' ''That's a certainty,'' another would add. I try to act like I don't care, but I do. (I really hope I don't sound arrogant saying this, because I think I probably do. But that wasn't my intention behind posting this.)

There was once when it was said our class would be split up into two classes (students with names starting with A-L would be in one class, and M-Z names would be in another). Anyway, this one girl whom I call a 'friend' said right in front of me: ''Yay! Now I don't have to be in the same class as you!'' (with a little giggle). I know she meant she doesn't like someone who participates during class... but it still hurt. I laughed along, trying to hide the fact that I was very much hurt. Can you believe that after a while of this, I studied hard just so I can avoid their remarks? (Or some of them, at least).

I've turned into sucha perfectionist beause of this. I freak out if I get anything other than a full grade. If I do, I get depressed all day long. I don't handle critiques very well, either. It feels as if someone is blandly trying to insult me, even though I know that they only have the best intentions.

And I'm frequently picked on for being easily shaken to tears. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming I can't hold anything in anymore. Sometimes I can't even explain why I'm crying. Since this school year began, I haven't cried publicly... yet. That doesn't mean I don't get teary-eyed, which happens nearly every day. In fact, that happens so frequently that I can hardly believe no one has noticed so far. Actually, some have probably noticed, but have just not said anything about it.

There are many days that I go home and just cry, cry until my eyes are swollen. And even more nights when I cry myself to sleep. When I look in a mirror (or a very well-polished metal) my face just doesn't seem proportional. A little girl once told me my face looks like an ugly Halloween mask. Sometimes I think that may be true. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror because it makes me sad.

It doesn't really matter to people whether you have high grades or not. That's not what most people look for in a friend anyway. What matters to the people I know is that you look good and you have good social skills. Well, I have neither.

I try to mingle, I really do. But I always fail miserably. I'm such a bore to talk to. It feels like almost everyone I meet is sick of me after a while of talking.

I try to hold myself together, to not break down, but I sometimes can't help humiliating myself. I hate the fact that I can't make small talit. I try to act strong in front of everyone, like I'm in charge of everything, but I'm truly not. I hate the fact that I can't talk to someone without stuttering or having blank moments.

Sometimes I think some people like to see me suffer. I don't understand, are they happy when I'm sad and vice versa? Do they just like to make others live in misery? Do they enjoy seeing others desperately try to crawl out of the pit they dashed us into?

All of this, it's damaged my self-esteem quite nicely. I mean, very few people actually like being around me, and most have said so. I'm a sore to look at. I doubt many people actually care about me. They think it's funny to see me hurting. I just get sick of going through this every day.

What should I do...? I'm sorry, I know I've talked a lot, but I need help desperately. Thank you so much if you've read this.