Hi Megan,

I think everyone naturally has a fear of abandonment, but to varying degrees; also, different people have different ways of coping with the fear, some more degenerative than others.

It sounds like you "involuntarily" (i.e. because of subconscious drives) withdraw from relationships to avoid being abandoned. Ironically, it seems to me that the cycle of withdrawal that you're afraid to go through is a control mechanism for you (even though you feel controlled by it). Perhaps you could replace this cycle with something else that made you feel in control of the relationship -- maybe feeling more accepted/understood, particularly for your weaknesses. For me, feeling like I am accepted unconditionally (and being recognized in my faults) is really important for me to feel secure in the relationship, and not withdraw or hurt the other person. A good therapist could help you work through the roots of your fears and beliefs, and give you some techniques to try with a dating partner.

Then again, it may also be better for you to not be in a relationship right now, and to completely focus on working out your relationship issues. Or maybe try to keep things light with Kyle, like by getting to know each other thoroughly before moving ahead. Maybe that could make you feel more comfortable with him, and trust him more?

Also, on the bright side the boys that you've dated in the past will probably be the youngest you will ever date, so you'll have the added relationship benefit of more mature guys. Which means they'll be more likely to try to understand all of you, even your complexities.

Jessie