I absolutely understand! Before I started seeing a PTSD specialist I felt just like that. I call it "numbing out" There are times I will SI and not even know it. Thats when I was told I was disassociating. I hate that feeling. If you ever need to talk just let me know. I wish I had some advice and the best thing I can tell you is what my therapist told me and that was this......SI can be almost ritualistic, for instance what you use or where you do it, etc. She told me to change things around like getting rid of what I would usually use to SI, have a journal out where I would normally SI. Not sure if this is making any sense but I just want you too know you are not alone when feeling the way you do. If you ever need to talk I'm all ears. Stay safe and strong.
HUGS
Cher