I just cant force myself to go.

Im terrified. the last time they pulled one on me when i went to the er for a bladder infection I bawled and cried and screamed and dissociated really badly.

I cant stand the thought of someones hands on me that arent H. Literally I am almost shaking now and my nether regeion is clenching up for the fear of it.

I know as a 23 year old female I HAVE to be going for one - yet I havent gone for one in like four years.

Ive tried before and literally ran away and hid in a park until it was too late for my appointment.

(these things are what really make me see what abuse does to a person)

What can I do? I am to terrified to even bring it up to my doctor