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Newtus, I am so sorry for all of that! School is such a hard thing. People don't realize it but it really is. You think because you're an adult the pressure will go away from when you were in high school but the pressure just gets more intense. You have to worry about doing well in school when the work is really difficult, you have to go through torture with all the paperwork they give you and all the running around you have to do. Then if you're like me you have to work while you are in school. And if you're like me again you have to work, take care of a 3 year old child by yourself and go to school. And you have to decide on one thing, out of the billion things to do that will make you happy. That alone is rather difficult for me and causes me to not do as well.
Have you considered for now enrolling in a community college? I have social anxiety as well. I was the kid in the back of the classroom in the corner slouched as far down as I could covering my face with the books. I had the biggest fear of people being behind me, it would send chills down my spine any time someone would move behind me so I couldn't sit up front. But the teachers never understood this. I tried to tell them but most of them would force me to sit in the front row. Every one of them it seemed, even when I got into college, all saw so much potential in me but seemed like they never thought I would reach it. The strange thing is, in my college algebra class the teacher pulled me to the side of the class and asked me to switch classes into his other class. I had a friend in his math class and she was always talking to me during class. It would bug the heck out of me since I love doing math and really wanted to pay attention but none the less I completed that class with the highest grade in the class. I aced it with ease. He would assign homework but it wasn't graded so when he would ask if we did it I would be honest and say no. I had a newborn at that time and didn't have time outside of school really. He would tell everyone "It's not graded but if you don't do your homework you're not going to pass this class. It's all the information on the tests." and then I would pass the tests lol. I was somewhat cocky of my intelligence in that class so I kind of rubbed it in to the teacher when I would pass and hadn't done my homework. He didn't like that. But I'm getting off topic lol. So he pulled me to the side and asked me to switch classes telling me I wasn't reaching my full potential and could be doing so much better. He wanted me in the other class where my friend wasn't in there. I refused and completed the class with the highest grade.
They always told me I wasn't reaching my full potential and it made me mad then. Now it doesn't because I see how they are right. Even the college teacher was right. In elementary school I maintained the highest math grade throughout the school. I was in advanced math classes throughout elementary as well. I was one of only 8 students in my state to be placed in an experimental math program in the 6th grade where starting middle school we started with pre algebra. I loved it. I love math. Well we all moved shortly after I started the program just a couple months in and left the state. When we moved to Florida they didn't have the program and just put me in basic math classes. They didn't even have advanced math classes at that school. At first I did really well in math. I had learned everything they were learning a couple years before in my math groups. I averaged 112% in my math classes through the 7th grade. When I hit the 8th grade I was tired of doing the same thing for 2 more years that I had known before I even started middle school and it went down hill from there. I started skipping school in middle school. By high school my social anxiety went through the roof and I went through a lot of traumatic times and continued to skip school and not do my work. I would do it if it interested me but I wouldn't turn it in. I hated the system for giving me something than taking it away. They would put me in advanced classes and then 2 weeks before the semester ended they would remove me from the class and change classes saying they had a age limit on the classes and I was too young. Even though I was acing the class. At one point, they changed my schedule so late in the semester when I started the new classes one of the teachers told me point blank I would not pass their class I had missed too much time. I was FURIOUS. I was in drivers ed and moved mid semester. We did 3 days driving 2 days classroom there. Well when we got to the new school they did like 3 weeks driving 5 weeks classroom and the driving part was over and it was just classroom time. I would have been ok with that but you can't pass drivers ed without passing the driving portion and since I missed it I failed drivers ed. And they wouldn't let me change classes they just made me take the f.
Reasons like this I think are a huge factor in why students do so terribly. The teachers look at the students as a whole. Not realizing each individual student is different and has different potential. Not realizing that each student learns differently, at varied paces. It makes getting motivated to go back to school even more difficult.
But have you ever considered online classes? So far I've taken psychology philosophy and history 1 and 2 online and it's worked pretty well. I prefer it because you don't have to deal with all of the people but I could not take it for some classes. Some I have to see in front of me in order to understand it. Like math which is why I took that one in the classroom.
Maybe start with 1 or 2 online courses at a community college and go from there? When you start doing well and are on a roll it will give you more confidence in what you are doing. Don't let your fear keep you from acchieving your goals.
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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