Well, when I said last time that I went up to the school, I meant a couple of weeks ago

This past spring, I failed out. They are saying I can only take two classes right now, one of which I can't take online because its required now that i've failed. I hate THAT. I HATE THAT. I'm definitely not in a position to be around others. I wish I had never taken those math classes. The rule for this specific school was that I need to take my math class with all the others, because it was a remedial class, until I pass it. I failed it so much I cannot take it at the school anymore, and the other colleges are farther from me because I live in the rural. I'm talking strictly community colleges, here, too.

who the F fails out of community college

The only class I ever passed there was online. I only had problems with math and english. Math because i'm not good at it for some freaking reason that seems extremely crazy. Long story short, I literally used every resource at the college AND private tutoring basically, so 4-5 resources each week for weeks, and I still didn't get it. I'd never remember how to do stuff, so each week, I literally had to start from the beginning of the book again, or skim it heavily. I had to do math in summer school once (in high school). Very strict. Saturday and Sunday mornings for FOUR hours....and yep, passed with a 70. JUST BARELY, and I didn't mess around and play games. They didn't allow you to talk to anyone or mess around, they just didn't and no one did, you also had a limited number of bathroom breaks. Ok, so SAME type of algebra in college, and I fail fail FAIL, too!

I don't understand. I used EVERY resource, I was locked in summer school doing it. I've been doing the same math level since almost 8th grade, and I can't do it? This is beyond me. I think I might actually be dumb. Seriously....

English was only hard because my concentration level was/is non-existant pretty much. They put me in remedial english, and i only did one paper, some homework here and there and passed with the highest grade. College level english, I flunked it twice, so I cant take it at that college anymore.

Anyway, the lady basically told me I was wasting my money continuing. I know no other alternative, other than military school (NO), a private specialized technical school (NO, because I can take the same classes at community college for thousands less), OR another county college (i cant drive because of current things going on, so online, but I have no clue how to transfer all of that because i've been on academic probation). This seems so much like a hassle.

It just kills me everyday, and then to sometimes hear my parents go on about other peoples young adults who have already passed college. I want to kill myself, because they think I am lazy, but I'M NOT. I DONT KNOW WHAT THE 'F' I HAVE TO DO TO SHOW THEM ALL THE 'F'ING STEPS I TOOK TO PASS IN COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL. THEY DONT GET IT. ONE OF THEM SAYS THEY UNDERSTAND BUT THEY HAVE KEPT BRINGING IT UP SINCE I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. They say "well why didn't you tell me?", I say almost EVERY TIME, "I HAVE TRIED TO SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL.".

This accusations of my being lazy and my buying into their thinking is what drove me to suicide. THEY STILL DONT GET IT. Whatever I feel is "not really how I feel" because "i'm better than that", or "I am smart and should know what to do" or because "I'm different and should know better"

Now, since I'm 21 they say that now that I am old enough to know what I want I should know what to do, but I DON'T. I dont know what to think or how to feel. They said that when I was 17 and 18. I have no clue what point in my life I missed that I was ALLOWED to feel some helplessness and get help. Now I'm lost. I have no clue WHAT to do with my life. I am beyond lost and life doesn't matter to me anymore. Life help almost seems irrelevant now.

This feeling transcends beyond school and schoolwork, obviously. I was allowed to let out my feelings as child, but only certain situations. Trauma to me was rarely if ever talked about. Some emotions weren't talked about. My mom didn't pay attention to me, she divorced my dad as a child, blah blah blah.

Anyway. All I know is....emotion...It's been largely repressed in me. Which I feel often leads me to want to hurt other people severely to the point of breathless life...lets say. That's my only concern.

By the way. My GPA stands as .3

Yes, you heard it right.

.3