im still being treated for depression. nothing seems to help. i told myself i was going to commit suicide. i feel like torn between so many thoughts and feelings. people will say i shouldn't, Im only 16 i have so much more of life left. i hurt everyone so much when i tried before so i know i couldn't do that to anyone. i don't know what to do. its been gradually getting worse, i cry all the time, i feel hopeless and so alone. i found out yesterday my grandad has cancer. Im devastated beyond. now not only do i feel so guilty, but i feel trapped and like i can't tell anyone how bad my depression has got. because i don't want to add even more onto how much worry and sadness everything to do with grandad being ill. everyone including me should be focusing on him not on me. i don't no what to do now. I've wanted to do it so badly i feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and life has been a total rollercoaster the whole last year since i was diagnosed. i feel selfish. self harm seems to be the only way i can cope. i can't kill myself i know that, but somehow self harm means i can hurt myself and punish myself and feel and release all the pain. but mum and dad check me now since they saw all my cuts. they've healed butbthe scars are a constant reminder of what a screw up i am. i have to be so careful to hide it now. i feel so trapped and alone. everything is going wrong. i can't get rid of this black cloud which hangs over my head. i don't want to self harm, i want to be ... Im not going to be greedy and say happy, i just want to be content with life. to be able to cope. to not have depression. to not be self centred, to not be selfish, to not make life awful for everyone around me. what do i do!!? i can't be honest with my pdoc or t because i have attempted before and so they'd over react. plus if that happened that would make things worse considering my grandad, hIm especially and everyone else doesn't need that. which can i turn to? why do my parents get mad at me for being depressed?? its not like i control it but they think i do. how do stop myself doing anything i may regret? Im scared of dying, im petrified of doing -that- but when Im at my worst i can't think straight. what do i do??